Don't Fear the Reaper
by DoUFlanMe
Summary: Edward tells Bella she's dead, and it sounds plausible. Also, he's really hot. Knights sometimes ride in on white hearses. A twisted tale of a mortician and the woman he loves. An undertaking between DoUTrustMe and BellaFlan. AH, OOC, Dark comedy.
1. Dying to Meet You

**A/N:** Welcome to the collaboration between BellaFlan and DoUTrustMe! Neither of us own Twilight, nor do we benefit financially from borrowing from Stephenie Meyer's universe. We do, however, share a love for all things random, bizarre and slightly strange. In that vein, we present you with the tale of a young mortician and the girl who captures his heart. Happy Halloween!

Many thanks to Mac214 and WriteOnTime, the world's most amazing naked betas. (At least that's the way we picture them.)

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Chapter One: Dying To Meet You

Isabella Swan wasn't my typical 4 am pick-up. First of all, she wasn't dead. Being a mortician, this was uncharted territory for me. Don't get me wrong—her skin was so pale I had to look twice to be certain, but she was upright, leaning against the door frame and breathing. Dead people typically didn't do that.

"Uh, hi?" I greeted her, scratching my nose. "Isabella Swan?"

"Yeah-huh," she slurred, taking in my formal attire. I usually didn't wear my black suit for pick-ups, but I had to meet with another family in a couple of hours at the funeral home, and I didn't have time to change before then.

"Are you sure?" There had to be a mistake. My paper work clearly indicated she was deceased. I checked it again.

"Pretty sure," she said, barely getting the words out. She was bleary-eyed, and her lower lip hung open, jutting out to the side in a lopsided pout. There was a little bit of drool sliding down the corner of her mouth. It was oddly adorable.

"Isabella Swan is your name?" I repeated with increasing confusion.

"Yes, I'm Bella." She glanced at her chest as if searching for a name tag to confirm her identity, and my eyes followed. Holy shizzlesticks! I was trying not to stare, but I couldn't help but notice her, um, breasts. They were spilling out provocatively over the v-neck of her shirt.

"You're dead," I told her, because obviously she didn't have the same information as I did. Work orders never lied. We were very fastidious at Cullen and Sons Mortuary Services. "It says so right here." I indicated the official form in my hands.

"I'm dead?" She didn't seem surprised by my proclamation. "That's weird." She looked down at her body and then back up to me, her brown eyes locking with mine.

"Yeah, well... apparently you died a couple of hours ago. I was called to come pick up your body." And what a body it was. Apart from her breasts, which were hard to miss, she had the longest legs I'd ever seen on a human.

"Okay... so are you going to pick me up?"

"Er- well..." I tucked the form away in my breast pocket.

"I mean, I probably shouldn't be walking, right, being dead and all?"

She had a point. Also, she looked like she was about to fall over anyway. "I guess not," I agreed lamely.

"Okay. Um, maybe I should lay down." She giggled and hiccuped, and I caught a whiff of alcohol on her breath.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, grabbing her arm to steady her as she wobbled. She drew in a quick breath, and her knees buckled. I had to catch her before she hit the peeling linoleum. It looked like I wasn't going to need the stretcher. Most corpses weren't this malleable.

"Just great. Didn't feel a thing."

"Death is the most natural thing in the world," I said sagely, lifting her into my arms. There's a chance I was panicking, so my training kicked it in, and I started quoting trite phrases from bereavement pamphlets. I almost asked her if she wanted to buy into our layaway plan, but refrained. It was probably too late for that.

"Not like the last time. Last time it really hurt."

"You've been dead before?" I asked, curiously.

"Just the one time."

I wasn't quite sure what to say to that. I mean, I was a little unsure of proper social etiquette in this kind of circumstance. "Maybe it gets easier with practice."

"Maybe," she said, sniffing my neck. "You smell good. And you feel good. Has rigor mortis set in, or do I feel good too?" She put her hand against my cheek and sighed.

Yeah, rigor mortis had indeed set in. The girl only touched my face, and my penis was doing its best impression of a stiff. Heat radiated from her voluptuous form, making me as dizzy as the after-effects of too much formaldehyde; the visceral effect of her proximity on me caught me off guard. Spending so much time around corpses, I wasn't used to being so close to a warm body. Sweat started to pour from my forehead, and I became overheated.

"I'm hot," I said, before I could stop myself.

"You're fuckhot," she agreed.

I was sure I turned red at that. I wasn't used to hearing the eff word come out of a girl's mouth. Especially a dead one. It made me think of doing the eff word. Oh, goodness, I hadn't done the eff word in so long. I really wanted to do it with her, but then I worried about being accused of necrophilia. Not that I didn't want to have sex with her, because I really did, but there were social mores that kept me from crossing that line. "I mean, I'm sweating... because you're warm."

"Oh. I am? Strange. Aren't dead people supposed to be cold?"

"Usually," I agreed.

"Do I smell bad? Like, have I started decomposing already?"

I looked at her flushed cheeks and sniffed her long dark hair. "Not yet. You smell like fruit."

"That's my necklace. It's fruit-scented." She picked it up by the pink string and held it out so I could see the little cartoon character on the front with red hair and freckles, but I had to look down her shirt at her breasts to see it.

"Melons?" I asked.

"No. Strawberries."

"Oh."

"Shouldn't we get going or something? You know, the neighbors might start to complain if word gets out. About my death and all."

"Well, yeah, sure. I'll need someone to sign a form to say we picked up the body." Since both my hands were holding her up, I couldn't get to the form in my pocket. "Is the next of kin at home?"

"My gran is my only relative, but I just got the call that she died. That's why I've been drinking."

Poor thing. No wonder she was piss drunk. She was in mourning. I gave my standard sympathetic line. "I'm sorry for your loss. This must be a difficult time for you."

"Fuck no! I'm celebrating. She's been trying to control me for years... ever since my dad died. I don't trust it, anyway. She doesn't like to stay dead."

"Um... what? Well, okay. Could you just ..."

I indicated with my chin for her to reach into my breast pocket. She felt around and grabbed the form and a pen, signed it, and tucked it back away.

She squinted out at the street where the long, white hearse was parked under the street light. "Cool. You brought a limo. I've never ridden in one before."

"It's a hearse," I corrected. "Do you need your keys or something? In case we need to find something to dress you in after the embalming?"

She pointed over to the small table in the entryway and reached down, grabbing a stuffed dog with attached straps. She unzipped its back and checked inside, holding her keys up and jingling them when she found them.

"All set." She tucked the keys back inside, zipped up the dog's back, and held it on her lap. "Good girl, Rosie," she whispered to it and petted it a little. "Sometimes Rose can be a real bitch," she explained, and lifted the purse to nuzzle it against my face.

"Good girl," I agreed tentatively.

Bella wrapped one arm around my neck while I reached down to open the door. It clicked shut as we exited, and her lips brushed against the side of my throat.

"You're sexy," she said suddenly, and I nearly dropped her.

"Uh...really?"

"You make me all tingly. Shouldn't my girl parts be dead, too? Should I be finding you sexy?"

She flustered me with that. "My pick-ups don't tend to... or if they do, they don't usually tell me. You're pretty articulate for a corpse." The cement sidewalk was cracked and uneven. I was trying to concentrate on walking in the dark without dropping her on her head and possibly killing her a third time.

"I am," she agreed, sounding proud of herself. "Funny, I never thought the Grim Reaper would be so sexy."

"Thanks?" I said. My erection poked her in her hip before I could shift her body away from my groin.

"Is that a scythe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" She giggled a little and starting licking my neck. "You taste good, too."

"I'm not the Grim Reaper, by the way. I'm Edward."

"Sexy Edward. Do people call you Sex Ed for short?" She giggled again.

"Well, no. Not really."

We reached the car, and I debated whether to put her in the passenger seat or in the back. There was an empty coffin back there next to the stretcher. She must have felt my hesitation.

"I've always wanted to ride in a coffin."

"You have? Really?"

"Yeah. Ever since I was a kid. I didn't get to do it last time I died. I only made it as far as the morgue."

"What did you die of last time?"

"I got hit by a van in the school parking lot, and there was a mix-up at the hospital. The heart monitor stopped working. Happens all the time with me. I'm like a Bermuda Triangle around electromagnetics. Anyway, they put a tag on my toe and sent me down to the morgue, but I was just unconscious. "

"I hate it when that happens. We get live people all the time. It's really annoying."

I opened the door, and she scrambled into the coffin, closing the lower half but leaving the top half open.

I walked around to the driver's side and settled myself in, buckling my seatbelt. "How are you doing back there?"

"These aren't as comfy as they look," she grumbled from the back.

"That's our top-of-the-line wood model," I called back over my shoulder. "Solid cedar. None of that thin-wood-veneer-over-pressed-board crap. That sucker will last for years."

"Good to know. I'd hate to think of myself decomposing on cheap fiberboard."

She was quiet after that, which was more what I was used to from my passengers, and I drove my usual careful route to our family home and into the garage around the back—the service entrance, we called it.

When I opened up the back door, she looked so peaceful laying there with her arms crossed over her ample chest and her little dog-purse at her side; I just couldn't disturb her.

It still hadn't escaped my notice that she wasn't dead (her breasts were rising and falling with every breath) but I kind of wanted to keep her. After all, she was more than willing to come along with me. I just wasn't sure what to do with her next. I knew what I'd like to do next, but I was raised to be a gentleman, and I'd never had sex with an unconscious woman before. Besides, there wasn't room for both of us in the casket.

I used the automatic levers and pulleys to move the casket onto the wheeled gurney set against the wall of the garage for just this purpose, and from there it was an easy task to wheel her sleeping form into the side of our family funeral home.

"Whatcha got there?" Emmett asked, leaning over for a cursory look while he chewed on his egg salad sandwich. My brother was strange, even by morticians' standards, and we were well known for having a dark sense of humor.

"Isabella Swan. Died of old age. Natural causes." I handed him the paper work.

"Ninety-two, huh? She's amazingly well-preserved for an old broad. She must have exfoliated religiously."

Emmett had started taking notice of such things since he'd been temporarily assigned to do makeup for the viewings. Sometimes he overdid it a bit and they ended up looking like drag queens, but usually that was an improvement. He was just filling in until we found a new cosmetologist. The last one had run off with the petty cash and our high-end Elvis urns.

"She's a number three," he commented, inspecting her face.

"What?"

"Foundation. Number three. She won't need much more color. Just a touch of golden-kissed blush and a little blacker-than-black mascara."

"You talk makeup speak now? What the eff is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said defensively. "I just take my job seriously."

I looked a little closer at him. "Emmett, you're wearing eye-liner. And is that lip gloss?"

"It's guy-liner. The packaging is completely different for men. And the gloss makes my lips soft."

I just shook my head. "You need to get out more. Maybe meet some people who are alive and stuff."

I turned to steer the casket away, but Emmett grabbed my arm and said, "Whoa. What's fancy pants holding?"

"Um... her pet, I think. It's some sort of purse."

"Does her family want her to be buried with it?" he asked, reaching toward the bag. I swear Bella's grip tightened on Rosie as he skulked closer.

"You're going to steal a little old lady's purse?" I asked in disbelief.

"I just want to borrow it for a while."

What could he possibly want with a purse that looked like a stuffed dog? And then it hit me - my brother still kept stuffed animals on his bed which seemed incongruous with his personality. "Emmett, you're not a closet... furry?"

"Um... what? I don't ... uh... maybe... There might be a slight problem. The other day, quite unexpectedly, I saw our neighbor dressed up for work as the local high school team mascot, and-"

"Fork! Stop it!" I shook off his arm and moved the casket away from him. There were things about Emmett I just didn't want to know. And this was one of them.

"Speaking of inappropriate perversions, don't let Jasperv get his hands on her," he warned. "You know how he likes big boobies."

Suddenly Jasper's propensity for feeling up well-endowed corpses seemed refreshingly normal.

I nodded and wheeled the casket toward one of the work rooms, trying to ferry her away from Emmett's curious eyes.

"Come to think of it, I don't want to catch you jacking off anywhere near that body, either," he shouted after me.

He was calling_ me _out? Between his love for all things fuzzy and Jasper copulating with his girlfriend Alice on every solid surface in the house, I was hardly the sexual deviant in the group.

Bella let out a little sigh and turned her face into the white satin.

"I d-don't..." I stuttered. Oh, god, was she awake? Did she hear Emmett accuse me of pleasuring myself on the job? It had been a really long time since I'd made love to a woman, and certain basic needs sometimes made themselves known at inopportune times and places.

"Don't even pull that shit with me, nimrod. You were greasing your pole in the embalming room at least twice last week. That shit ain't normal."

"Language, Emmett, what if Mother hears you? And anyway, the room was empty at the time," I snapped back, trying to keep my voice down. "And shut the heck up in front of the client."

"Who, the corpse? Dude, I don't think she cares about your cock. Besides, she's old."

I didn't know how it had escaped his notice that Bella was not only alive, but clearly in her twenties; however, I was fine with letting him think that. I didn't want him anywhere near her anyway. I'd found her first, and I wasn't willing to give her up.

"Take the purse already," I squealed in an unmanly voice, and tossed Rosie at Emmett's head. He did a quick first pump of triumph and ran up the stairs, taking them four at a time.

At least he'd be occupied now.

I wheeled Bella into the work room and closed the door so we could have some alone time.

Maybe we could do something fun as soon as she woke up, like watch an embalming instructional video or play Operation! Maybe Emmett would take my early morning appointment now so I could spend the day with her. He certainly owed me one.

"Get her back!" Bella yelled suddenly, her eyes popping open.

"Who?" I asked, falling backwards onto the prep table. Bella jumped out of the casket and onto the table. She straddled my hips and pounded her fists into my chest. I nearly had an orgasm.

"Rosie! That dog-fucking freak took my baby!"

"Your baby?" I steadied her by holding her hips in my hands while she continued to pummel me. My erection was back, and Bella seemed to be rutting against it by accident every time she hit me.

"Get me my dog back, asshole!" she yelled, having recovered from the shortest buzz in recorded human history. Maybe it was the nap or maybe it was the stolen-dog-purse trauma but she was suddenly frighteningly sober, which in no way decreased my attraction to her.

"Okay." My penis couldn't be any harder. I pulled her down over it before I could stop myself, and thrust my hips up against the crotch of her pants.

"Fuck you and the hearse you rode in on. I want my Rosie!"

I didn't hear much of what she said after 'eff you' with her boobs heaving in my face and the heat of her crotch tight against me. Something about effing her in the hearse, which was like my biggest fantasy, after effing her at the cemetery (I'd already imagined her naked amongst the flowers on a fresh grave), and it was more than I could take.

"Motherfucker!" I swore suddenly and grabbed her butt, trying to pound into Bella through my pants.

"Stop dry humping me and get me my-"

Suddenly and without warning, the door swung open.

There she stood—The Iron Maiden in all her helmet-haired glory. My mother, Esme Cullen.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! I did not just hear the eff word in my house. I'll wash your mouth out with soap-"

"You might want to wash his dick off, too," Bella said, dismounting. "I'm pretty sure it just tried to molest me, the dirty little bastard."

"What? My son and his winkie would never... who are you?" She turned back to me. "Edward, who is she?"

"Um... well, she's-"

"I'm your new makeup artist," she explained to Mother. "Now be a doll and get my Rosie back from your purse-fucking son before I call the labor board of Washington on your ass."

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**A/N: ** Yeah, so... um, we're off to take our respective meds. We blame the Canadian medical system and its hot doctors. ;) We'll be updating here rather than on our own profiles. Is this FFn's first Morticianward?


	2. You Make me Cremate my Pants

**A/N:** Thank you for the response to chapter one! Mac214 and WriteOnTime are our beta goddesses. A special thank you to Rebadams, our resident mortician, for her technical expertise.

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Chapter Two: You Make me Cremate my Pants

"Does she even know anything about makeup?" Mother was skeptical, studying Bella's fresh, clean face appraisingly.

"Well... I could make _you _look less like the Crypt Keeper just by changing your foundation," Bella parried back. My Bella was fearless, even in the face of my mother, and I felt my heart and penis swell with pride.

"I beg your pardon?"

"The way you've applied it just makes the lines in your skin more pronounced," she explained. "Seriously. It's not like you can paint over a crack in the wall without applying a little joint sealer first."

Emmett came rushing into the room then, Bella's little dog-purse clutched tightly under his arm. "What's all the yelling about-"

"Tell me you did not defile my Rosie, you sick furry fucker!" Bella suddenly screeched, launching herself at him. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head in a classic hockey throw-down move. "Give her back or I'll pants you!"

"You weren't using it," he said defensively. "You were dead."

Mother swooned as if she was going to faint. I guess she didn't know about Emmett's penchant for copulating with stuffed toys, either. Really, we both should have seen the signs all along.

"Past tense, bitch. I'm alive now, and I want my Rosie."

My brother was over six feet tall and had a good hundred pounds on her; still, Bella enraged was surely a sight to behold. Her hair flew wildly around her head as she punched Emmett in the junk, leaving him choking and crying in a heap over the purse.

"Edward," Mother gasped. "Stop her!"

"Um, well... he _did _steal her dog."

"My balls," Emmett wailed, stubbornly refusing to loosen his grip on Rosie.

"Edward!" Mother was now crying, too, the tears melting her black mascara and making her appear like a distraught raccoon. "Do something!"

"Let's cut it down the middle and you can each have half," I suggested meekly. I was scraping the bottom of the barrel of ideas and had resorted to quoting scripture.

"No! Mine!" Emmett and Bella said in unison, proceeding to play tug-of-Rosie.

"But, um, wouldn't you rather the other have her than see her destroyed?" I was grasping at straws. Apparently, King Solomon hadn't been dealing with two deranged dog-purse lovers, because they both turned on me. Bella made a surprisingly formidable fist and knocked me in the shoulder. Oh, wow, it sure got me excited, except it was immediately followed by a slap in the back of the neck by Emmett's meaty hand. Soon, the two of them were pummelling me in earnest with their respective hands that weren't fighting each other for the dog-purse.

"Ow! Fudge!" I raised my arms to defend my poor bruised body. I was still aroused by Bella's blows, not to mention her foul language. I wanted to hump her some more and have her call my penis a dirty little bastard again. But preferably when my mother _wasn't_ in the room.

"Please, Emmett... I'll buy you a season's pass to Build-a-Bear... just stop! Give her back her dog!"

Emmett finally let go of the purse, and Bella took a good look at him. "Is that MetroMan number 52 charcoal black guy-liner you're wearing?" she asked, eyeing him closely.

Emmett literally gasped and put his hand over his mouth. "Shut up! You did not just guess that!"

"I used that color on the lead singer of _The Volturi._" Bella shrugged.

"Fuuuu- er, fuddleducks!" he quickly corrected himself, remembering the presence of our mother in the room. "Are you some kind of cosmetic-savant?" he asked in awe, his face so bright it nearly sparkled. And then he blushed. Emmett effing blushed!

"It's what I do... or did. I lost my job when the band broke up a few months ago."

My mother continued to glare at Bella, and I was pretty sure she wanted to burn her purse in a cleansing fire. "Edward," she said stiffly. "I got a call from the Twilight Estates. Why haven't you picked up the body of Isabella Swan yet?"

Oh, well, technically I did, but Mother didn't look like she was in the mood to argue over semantics. "I think there was a snafu on the forms. They had the address of the next of kin listed as the pick-up location," I surmised. "In addition to being our new cosmetologist, Bella is the granddaughter of Isabella Swan."

"And why is this... potty-mouthed hussy attacking my Emmetty-bear?"

"Because he fucked my purse," Bella explained calmly. "Speaking of which, Emmetty-bear, do you have any STD's I should be aware of? Will Rosie need penicillin?"

"There will be no more profanity in my home," Mother said sternly, giving us all the stink-eye. "I'll call over at the home and let them know you're on your way." She nodded and exited the room with a grand pageantry befitting, well, Mother. Emmett, Bella and I were all left staring at one another like children who'd been caught stealing post-mortem rectal thermometers from the embalming room... or maybe that was just me.

Bella finally broke the silence. "Can I come with you in the hearse? It's my gran, after all. I want to make sure she's really dead."

Bella's words sparked my recurring fantasy about effing her in the hearse, and I gulped guiltily as I answered. "I want you to come in the hearse- er, I mean, with me... at the same time."

Bella shivered suddenly. "Are you cold?" I asked, looking around. Alice's mohair sweater was hanging on the back of the door, and I grabbed it to drape over Bella's shoulders.

Emmett's eyes lit up and then hooded over like a cat zeroing in on its prey, as he all but stalked Bella in the furry sweater. His legs tensed and twitched as if he was going to pounce, and I wound up to nut-punch him.

"Mine!" I hollered like a battle cry. Emmett tore his gaze away from my girl in the same moment my fist shot forward. He managed to thwart my blow by stepping to the left, so I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him up against me. I usually wasn't so aggressive, but Bella must have been emitting some kind of testosterone-inducing pheromones into the air.

"I'm taking Bella to see her dead gran. You _will _take my appointment this morning, or I'll tell Mother about how you lusted over the mascot next door. Capisce?"

Emmett shook me off. "No need to go all _Godfather _on my ass, dickward. I'll do it."

"Yeah, don't you dare go all _Godfather _on him," Bella agreed. "He'd only get off on waking up next to a horse head."

* * *

I held the passenger door for Bella, and she stared at me like I had inserted quarters into my eye sockets.

"Oh! Did you want to ride in the back again?"

"No. The front is fine, but I know how to open a fucking door. I'm not handicapped."

"Er... right." Even though it made me feel like an uncouth jerk, I let her close her own door and walked around to the driver's side.

"Um... so... sorry about my mother and Emmett. Fluck! I might as well just apologize for my whole family right now before this goes any further. "I have another brother, Jasper, who is... how do I explain it? He has a thing for big boobies."

"Don't all guys have a thing for big boobies?"

"This is kind of different. You see, Mother sorta breast-fed him until he was fifteen." Bella gasped at my proclamation, and I hadn't even gotten to the worst part yet. "There's a chance it caused breast separation anxiety."

"That shit just ain't right," Bella agreed.

"So, he... well... just don't be surprised if he latches on... "

"Latches on? Latches on to what?"

I sighed. "He may try to breastfeed."

"No way! My nips are for fun, not nutrition. I'll splice his sac if that jizzer comes anywhere near my titties."

I nodded. "There are certain precautions we can take so you won't be so... tempting. If you cover your nipples..." Oh, god, now I was thinking of her nipples "...with breast pads they won't poke out of your shirt like delicious, supple turkey thermometers. And don't say the word _wean_ around him. He gets very upset."

"That sounds... reasonable."

I started the hearse and pulled out into traffic. "Maybe you'd like to come to dinner tonight and meet all of them?"

"Your mother didn't seem to like me much."

"Don't worry about her. It's just because she hasn't gotten to know you yet. My father is going to love you."

"Okay." She reached over and turned on the overhead flashing light, and I slowed down a little as I was required to do as part of a funeral cortege.

"Isn't there a siren in this thing?"

"It's a hearse, not a police car."

"Well, can't you go any faster? Let's see what this bad boy can do."

She stretched her leg over to my side and punched down on the gas on top of my foot. The wheels protested and squealed as the vehicle shot forward into traffic.

"Bella! Take your foot off mine!"

"I can't! It's stuck!"

Her heel was indeed stuck in the cuff of my suit pants, and the angle of her foot as she wiggled to extricate it had mine wedged down on the gas. She finally released her seat belt and climbed onto me, putting her rounded bottom in my lap with her hands over mine on the steering wheel.

"I can't see, Bella!"

"That's okay. I can." She unrolled the windows and screamed, deafening bystanders and lowering property values. She started gesticulating wildly while I attempted to extricate her heel from my pantcuffs.

"Move the fuck out of the way, asshats! We've got a bleeder! Ebola victim coming through!"

"What are you doing?" I asked, desperately trying to see over her shoulder.

"I really fucking hate rush hour, don't you?" She spun the wheel like a roulette, and the car careened into oncoming traffic. "Move out of the way, fucknard. This is an emergency vehicle. Don't you see the goddamn flashing lights?"

"Please," I sobbed. "I don't want to die!"

"Really? You'd think as a mortician it would be old hat." She jerked the car, and we abruptly spun ninety degrees, aligning with the curb. "Brake!"

I slammed my left foot down while groping wildly for the hand brake, all the while screaming, "I'm too young to die! I've only ever done the eff word twice, and the first time was negligible."

"Oh my fuck, calm down! Hey, I've died twice. It's not so bad."

The car jerked to a stop, and Bella cut the engine but didn't attempt to move from my lap. "Only twice, Sex Ed? That's a damn fucking shame if you ask me." She lowered her hand between my legs and cupped my manhood.

"Bella?" I gasped.

"Yeah?"

"That's not the hand brake."

* * *

Twilight Estates was set back in the forest and not visible from any of the local roads. It was the most exclusive retirement condominiums in the whole state of Washington. Potential buyers had to wait for someone to die, suffer the application process, and then survive three grueling interviews just to get on the waiting list. It was probably easier to get into the FBI headquarters at Quantico.

"She owns it."

"What?"

"Swan Princess- Gran. She owns the whole place. It's her castle. And she owns half the real estate in the vicinity. She's stinking rich. My grandfather made a mint in cosmetics and then they retired here, buying up half the state."

The condo manager met us at the tall metal front gates, and then directed us to the correct turret, letting us in the door with his pass key.

Back in the master suite, Bella's grandmother was laid out on some fancy bed covering in a slinky nightgown, her feet bare with a slight smile on her face. She didn't look like any ninety-two year-old woman I'd ever seen. Her skin was relatively smooth, and her hair was dark brown with one thick streak of grey at the front. She wore a bejewelled crown and long, white gloves.

"What happened?" I asked the orderly.

"It was Mr. Banner this time. She had him in some kind of a leg-lock, and we had to restrain her. We couldn't get a heart beat on her after. Banner is in shock. We think she drugged him."

"Ruffies?" I asked, surprised.

"Viagra," he whispered. "Ground them up and put them in his drink. It's not the first time. Let's just say Banner had a tent that couldn't be blown down."

"Not true," Bella disagreed.

That was more information than I needed to hear. "If you could give us a few minutes," I requested. "Then I would appreciate your help getting her on the stretcher."

The condo manager nodded and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

"See how she mocks us," Bella growled as she looked down at her grandmother. "She's plotting something; I just know it."

Inexplicably, Bella started winding her arm like a windmill. "Get ready, Gran. If you're not really dead, you're in for a world of hurt!"

"What are you doing?" I asked, aghast. I tried to catch her wrist, but she clocked me on the top of my head like a Whack-A-Mole.

"Get back, ass-munch. There's no way of knowing if she's going to stay dead unless I pound her for a bit. This is perfectly normal."

"Don't do it! Pound me instead," I begged, feeling my doodle stir to life at the thought. I pulled her swinging fist back to my chest and huffed excitedly. "Take it out on me!"

Isabella glared at me and said, "You're a little bit of a freak, Edward, and if I didn't have the matter of my deceptively dead gran to tend to, I'd totally make you my bitch." She ducked under my armpit and wound up again. "Last chance, old lady."

I jumped between Bella and her dead grandmother, effectively breaking up their one-sided cat fight by grabbing Bella's boobs (I panicked).

"Stop!" I yelled, squeezing her full mounds in my palms where they were conveniently situated.

"Well, it's your funeral, but I'm pretty sure she's not all-the-way dead yet."

Something snapped then. It might have been the front of my pants when Bella jumped on me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I tried really hard not to swallow it.

She grabbed onto my shoulders and wrapped her legs around my waist in a death grip that I had no intention of breaking, but I lost my balance and we tumbled backward onto the bed directly on top of Grandma Swan.

There was a loud grunt, and Bella took that as a signal to ram her tongue further down my throat, taking my larynx hostage in tongue-induced asphyxiation. I would have pushed her away for air, except I was suddenly enraptured by the feel of her hot crotch on top of my quad as she dry-humped it, squeezing my leg between her juicy thighs.

"Rhmmmphhhh," I groaned.

"Yeah, you like that shit, don't you?"

"Gurgle!" I agreed, still not able to speak around her tongue as it did its best impression of a plunger against the back of my throat. During the fraction of a second Bella let up on my air passage to take in a breath of her own, I opened my mouth to say something sweet...

"Mother-cunting-shit-fucking-nut-sucking-fudge-packing-spooge-licker, arghhhhhh..." I exploded, unable to stop the dirty words from spewing forth. I had been wound so tight, and this naughty vixen writhing on top of me unleashed the beast within.

"Oh, fuck, baby. Yeah! Don't stop." She rode my leg like it was a Tilt-a-Whirl, bucking and rolling, rising and pressing down, all the while screaming, "Your thigh is so sturdy, baby. I think I'm going to come. Flex your leg!"

Another strange grunt resounded through the room, and I noticed it hadn't come from Bella, and I was pretty sure it hadn't come from me.

"Motherfucker!" Bella yelled, releasing her sucker-fish hold on my leg. "Did you hear that bitch moan?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"I knew it was too good to be true. She's not the least bit dead at all," Bella wailed.

"It's just air escaping," I tried to explain. "Look, her face isn't moving."

Bella pouted. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No pulse equals dead," I said logically.

"I dunno..."

"You'll feel better when she's buried and out of sight."

"I'll feel better when I'm certain she's burning in hell."

"Well..." I said thoughtfully. "I could cremate her."

"Oh, Edward, you'd do that for me?"

"Of course. Um, do you think you'd do something for me?" I was about to ask her out on a date when the condo manager walked back in the room.

"Is everything alright in here?" he inquired formally.

"Perfect," Bella replied. "Wrap her up. We'll take her to go." She turned to me and winked. "And yes, Edward, I'll totally be your eff-word number three, but first you have to fricassee my grandmother."

* * *

**A/N: Your reviews make us cremate our pants. A furry dog-purse for every review (we won't ask any questions about what you're going to do with it).  
**


	3. Death and Taxidermy

**A/N**: DoMe and Flan would like to make it clear that we are not normal. Please keep this in mind. No turkeys were harmed in the writing of this chapter.

Tacklesnugglehugs to Mac_214 and WriteonTime for betaing.

* * *

Chapter Three: Death and Taxidermy

"Well, what do you think?" I smiled, looking at Mother's reflection in the large hand mirror she held. Bella's artfully-applied foundation had easily shaved fifteen years off her face.

"It looks... what exactly did you do?" Mother asked, careful not to change her facial expression as if she was afraid the glossy veneer would crack.

"You can smile, you know. It won't kill you, I promise." Bella pursed her lips and chose a powder from Emmett's massive makeup case to finish off her work. Except Mother didn't smile. At least I was almost certain I hadn't seen it. I watched the corner of her mouth quiver tentatively before turning back down into the permanent scowl she wore.

Emmett emerged from the basement and nearly squealed when he saw Mother. "Holy Shania Twain, Bella. Just look at Mother!"

"I know, right? No mistaking her for a gargoyle anymore. How's Gran doing?"

"I chained her to the table and even duct-taped her mouth shut, just like you wanted," Emmett said proudly.

"Did she put up much of a struggle?"

"Nah, a dead, old woman is no match for me!" Emmett responded, undoing his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves.

"It looks... good," Mother said suddenly. "Really good. How did you manage to make my skin look so smooth?"

"I'm thinking collagen," Emmett surmised, scratching at the dense forest of hair on his forearm.

"Joint sealer," Bella explained.

"You mean, like, spackle?" I asked, confused.

"No, this is more like a below-grade concrete sealer. It's a waterproofing coating, too, so it should totally act as a moisture lock on her skin. I dunno - the more I thought about painting over a crack in a wall, the more it seemed like a logical material to put under the foundation."

"Um, is it safe for use on skin?" Mother wasn't listening to us. She was too busy admiring her new look from a variety of angles.

"Don't worry; I wore gloves when I was applying it," Bella whispered in my ear. She placed her hand on my back and walked her fingers down until they crept under my jacket.

"What color underwear are you wearing, Edward?" She hooked her fingers under the elastic of my waistband.

"Er, um, white," I said nervously.

"That's hot."

"Bella," I begged quietly, extricating her hand from my pants.

"Striped waistband? Or brand name written on it?" she asked breathlessly. I admired how her nostrils flared when she got excited.

"Um... _Fruit of the Loom_?" I answered simply.

She squeezed her eyes shut and quivered a little. "One of my favorites."

"Later," I promised, caressing the soft skin of her palm.

"Later?" She cocked her brow. "You mean for eff-word number three?"

I think I moaned a little, and dirty words started to bubble up in my throat. I was going to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but Bella got distracted by something she saw on Emmett's sleeve.

She pushed me out of the way and grabbed my brother's arm, her brow furrowed in confusion. "What the fuck is wrong with your arms, monkey man? There's a goddamn chia pet sprouting out of your pores!"

Emmett was immediately defensive. "I am not an animal!"

"Awwww, shit. You're not only a 'furry', you're furry! Well, fuck me, Dr. Zaius, you damn dirty ape!"

Emmett's hand flew to his throat, but Bella smacked it away and plucked at the over-grown chest hair curling up over the open buttons of his collar.

"Ouch! Frick, Bella."

"You've got enough pelt for your own squirrel farm in there! What, are you storing up for another ice age?"

He petted the hair at his neck a little. "It's comforting. And some people find it sexy."

"Who? Other Sasquatches?"

"No. People who like furry things."

"Emmett, you haven't been attending those furry conferences have you? Like Confurence America?" I interjected. "I learned all about them on that 'CSI' episode."

"No. Don't be ridiculous. Maybe." Emmett glanced over at Mother, who was still enraptured with her face. "I did attend Fur Con 2010 when I was in Vegas earlier this year. I was a real hit."

"Well, at least he doesn't have to buy a fursuit. His is built-in," Bella commented, replacing the makeup in the neatly-arranged case.

"He was born that way," Mother piped up. "The doctors thought he was some kind of evolutionary throwback." She patted Emmett's cheek. "But I told them he was just my little Emmetty-bear."

Bella eyed Emmett's chest again where he was buttoning his shirt. "I'm not sure they make a wax strong enough for that, dude. I might have to get veterinary grade."

"NO! No wax." Emmett reacted like Bella had offered to remove his junk and walked off, taking deep breaths and muttering positive self-affirmations. "I am a rich treasure, ready to be found. All of me is beautiful and valuable. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws..."

* * *

"Thanks for taking me home. It's just been such a long morning." Bella yawned and stretched her arms adorably. "Make yourself comfortable, sex-toy."

Bella ushered me into her front entry after closing the door.

"Um, what did you call me?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. I probably should explain my condition to you... it's just that, well, you haven't run screaming from me yet, and I'm a little afraid." She lowered her head into her palms, scrubbing at her face and sighing. "I'm not normal," she explained.

Well, clearly... but I didn't want normal. "You've met my family, Bella. I'm not exactly normal, either. I hope you feel like you can share your mind with me."

She laughed bitterly. "Yeah, that's sort of the problem. I have to share my mind with you. In fact, my thoughts aren't safe from anyone."

"I don't understand," I admitted, following her into the small living room adjacent to the front entrance of her little house.

"I have this... thingy, like a mental aberration. I mean, not that I'm psycho or anything; I just have no social filter."

"Really?" I smiled in encouragement and squeezed her lovely hand.

"It's called Negative Impulsive Filter Oralization. NIMPFO, for short. It basically means I externalize all my impulsive thoughts. It's kind of like being drunk - you know, the way you say shit without any inhibitions when you're wrecked."

"NIMPFO! How wonderful!" I didn't mean to be so enthusiastic when she was obviously distressed by her condition. It's just that I was so tired of dealing with people who never said what they meant. Of course, most of them were dead.

"I'm glad you think so," she snapped, "because it sucks monkey balls. Big, fat, Emmett-level-hairy monkey balls!"

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to offend you. I was just saying to my brother the other day that I wish women would just say what they mean."

"Well, that's not a problem for me."

She guided me over to the worn couch, and as we sat down I was struck by her natural beauty all over again.

"You're sure Emmett didn't violate Rosie?" Bella pulled her little white dog-purse onto her lap.

"They only made it as far as the furplay. She was just interacting with his other stuffies."

Bella cuddled the furry purse in the crook of her elbow and stroked its head. "Don't you worry, Rosie. The bad man won't touch you again, or I'll fucking neuter him with my cuticle scissors. He's a lot less apt to diddle you without testicles."

"The thing about Emmett is... I don't know which way he swings, but he says he prefers male stuffies." I reached over to pet Rosie but held my hand tentatively over her head as though asking permission. "Does she bite?" I asked, not wanting to lose my own testicles. I planned to use them later.

"Don't be ridiculous. She's not alive." Bella held her up in her arms and rubbed Rosie's front paws together. "Are you my little Rosie Wosie?"

She gave her a kiss on her nose and then brought her back down to her lap. "Jeez, just because I have a cognitive speech disorder doesn't mean I'm a moron. Besides, she's had all her shots." Bella smiled widely, and I suddenly suspected she was pulling my leg a little bit.

"Oh, okay." I petted Rosie and then subtly moved my hand down to Bella's knee and gave it a squeeze. I wasn't well-versed in the art of seduction, but Bella made me want to read up on ways I could pleasure her with my thighs.

"Bella, how long have you had Rosie?" I wondered about Bella's draw to her little stuffed Maltese. If it had been a real dog, I might have understood it.

"She's seven. I'm not sure what that is in dog-purse years."

"She's very ... healthy for a dog-purse that age."

"I got her for my thirteenth birthday. The live version, anyway."

"There's a live Rosie?"

"There was. Until my grandma gave her away."

"Your grandmother gave your dog away?"

Bella nodded and her eyes started to water, so I took a cloth surgical mask I carried in case of emergencies out of my pocket and she wiped her eyes with it.

"The monster! When my dad died, I had to move in with my grandma, and she wouldn't allow animals. She gave Rosie away." Bella sniffed again and wiped her delicate nose on the fabric. "I used to carry her around in a little purse. Now she _is _my purse."

"Um... what?"

"When I was old enough, I tracked her down, but she was old. So when she died I had her stuffed and made into a purse."

I had no clue what to say to that, so I resorted to my old standby. "I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been a very difficult time for you."

"I don't seem to be able to keep anything permanent in my life... boyfriends, family members, even pets."

Her watery brown eyes met mine, emitting such raw need my heart broke for her, and I wanted to say the right thing - to let her know I wanted to take care of her. I wrapped both my arms around her and felt her wet cheek press down against the thin material of my dress-shirt.

"I'm permanent," I vowed, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear.

"Nothing's permanent, Edward. You of all people should know this." Nonetheless, she continued to cuddle into me, her breathing becoming a little deeper than it had been only moments ago.

"Well, I mean, I'm not immortal or anything, but I'll always be around... and even if I die, I give you permission to have me stuffed or turned into luggage, even though you'll be arrested for improper body disposal."

"Oh, Edward, you say the sweetest things," she said with a sigh, snuggling impossibly closer against me.

"Bella, I'm not sure if you noticed, but I also have a condition."

"Edward, you're perfect. Not like Emmett. You're only hairy in the right places. Unless..." She pulled up the cuff of my dress shirt.

"Emmett takes after my father in that regard. I'm not nearly as hairy. But, you may have noticed when I get... excited, I yell out inappropriate words. I have Stimulated Expletive Syndrome. SEXSY, for short."

I hung my head a little and waited for her to express her disapproval. Just because she swore like a sailor didn't mean she approved when I did it.

Bella shrugged. "You have SEXSY? But I like it when you talk dirty to me."

"It doesn't bother you? Some people get offended."

"Not me. So, will it just be your freakish, degenerate family at dinner tonight?"

"Well, Jasper's girlfriend, Alice, will probably also be there. Jasper and Alice are virtually inseparable."

"They get along that well?"

"Jasper can't be away from her for too long... the boobie thing I explained earlier. Mother was president of the La Leche League when Jasper was a kid, and she felt like she had to set an example."

"What about your father? He didn't object to Jasper horning in on his territory?"

"Uh... he's sort of the strong, silent type."

"So, what's Alice's deal?"

"What makes you think she has a deal?"

"Bitch, please. Her bf likes to suck strangers' funbags."

"Yeah, well..." I shrugged and looked around her tiny apartment, anxious to change the subject. "Do you live alone?"

"Uh huh. I used to have a roommate, but she got tired of me calling her a fat-ass."

"Oh, yes... well..."

"I know... but her ass was, like, really huge. Can I hump your leg?"

"Yes!" I said quickly, without thinking, and flexed my quad.

"Wow, I totally sound like a NIMPFO. I guess I just miss Rosie. She used to like to hump legs, too."

Bella was quiet for a few minutes then as she dropped her hand to my thigh, and I could barely hear her next words. "Your thighs are thick and strong like tree trunks. I really want to climb them."

And with that, she laid her head on my shoulder and fell asleep.

I watched her eyelids twitch erotically for a while before I gently shifted us both until we were lying together, her body tight against me. She mumbled against my chest and captured my thigh between her legs as if for comfort. To have her close enough to drool on my dress shirt was nothing less than a dream come true, and I soon joined her in sleep.

* * *

"Bella, did you remember the, uh, breast pads we spoke about earlier?"

"I don't have breast pads, Edward. I had to use maxi pads."

So help me, that turned me on. Maybe I was getting to be as bad as my brothers.

"Ready?" I asked, motioning toward the door, steeling myself for the freak show waiting for us on the other side.

"Let's do this," Bella replied bravely.

I took a deep breath and opened the front door, ushering Bella into the foyer of our house.

"Edward, would you do the honors of cooking the turkey?" Mother came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "Hello, Bella. Glad you could join us. We'll be eating in a few minutes."

Mother looked radiant in her new makeup, and the change in her face seemed to have made a drastic transformation to her personality. She was actually smiling and pleasant. Even her hair looked softer. I hadn't seen her like this since she and my dad had taken a holiday together.

"Yes, Mother," I agreed, guiding Bella into the kitchen with my hand at her back. It thrilled me to touch her in any way, and I was going to use any excuse to do so.

The turkey rested in a large, metal pan, which I picked up by the handles on either side.

"Edward," Bella urged in a surprised whisper, "this turkey is still frozen. It will take hours to cook."

I smiled. "We have a secret weapon."

"Neat - is it a death ray? Will it burn the turkey where it sits?"

"Come with me."

Bella followed me down the stairs into the crematorium. I opened the doors to one of the chambers and slid the turkey into the pre-heated interior. I tested the door to made sure it was locked, set the timer, and checked off the minutes on my watch.

"I gotta tell you, I'm a little worried about the turkey," Bella said.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "It's gone to a better place."

"Seriously, though. Why?"

"Why cremate? It's efficient, and you've never tasted anything as succulent as a bird prepared at 1,300 degrees for four minutes. Should be ready in 3... 2... 1..." The timer dinged, and I took a quick peek through the oven window. "We just need to let it cool for a few minutes."

"So... do you always cook turkeys in the crematorium?"

"No. Sometimes we cook roasts."

* * *

Jasper and Alice were setting the table when we entered the dining room. Jasper was dressed in his usual military garb. Epaulettes widened his already broad shoulders, and a set of bright, brass buttons fastened in front.

Alice was dressed, as usual, all in black.

"Well, howdy, ma'am," Jasper drawled, glancing down at Bella's luscious boobies.

Bella seemed to be momentarily taken aback by Jasper's inexplicable Southern accent.

"Oh, no you don't," she replied, covering her breasts. "These babies are not for public consumption."

"Isaaaaabeeeellaaaaa Swaaaaan," Alice said suddenly, in the drawn-out creepy voice she always employed when channelling spirits. She raised her hands to her temples, her eyes becoming distant and glassy as spoke. "Your father has passed on to the great beyond."

"What?"

Alice's eyes focused on Bella's face. "What?"

"You said something about my father," Bella persisted.

"Nope. No, I didn't." She turned to Jasper and asked, "Why is she saying that?"

"You did!" Bella turned to me in confusion. "Why is she talking about my dead father?"

"She sees the past," I explained, sighing heavily. "But she doesn't remember it after."

"No, I don't," Alice said.

"Yes, darl', you do." Jasper rubbed her boob affectionately and licked his lips a little.

"Let me look into the past," Alice mumbled, touching her temples again. "Oh, wait... maybe I do."

"The past? What the fuck good is that? We already know what happened in the past," Bella said, exasperated.

"I know. It's completely useless and annoying. Just humor her," I said comfortingly.

Alice's eyes glazed over again as she looked at me. "Edward, you got your hair trimmed last week."

I just rolled my eyes and put my arm around Bella, leading her to the table.

"What's with Jasper's hair? It looks like somebody glued a blond caragana bush on his head."

I could only sigh. "He has a thing about big hair. A consequence of being born in the eighties, I think."

"Don't say anything about his heinously large shoulder pads either. He has them specially made." Emmett whispered, helping Mother carry scalloped potatoes and peas into the dining room.

I held Bella's chair out for her, and she looked at me like I was putrefacting.

"I'm not falling for that old trick, Edward."

"I'm just trying to be a gentleman," I explained.

"Oh, I thought you were going to pull it out from under me."

Emmett brought more dishes out from the kitchen, and after everyone was seated, Esme placed a large jar on the table in front of the empty chair.

"Gravy?" Bella gestured toward the jar.

"No. My father."

"Your father is a gravy boat?"

"Not exactly." Crap. I knew I forgot to mention something important. "He's an urn. I mean, he's in the urn."

* * *

**A/N:** A ride in a speeding hearse for those who review. Come on, you know you want to!


	4. The Plot Sickens

**A/N: **Dark, twisted humor ahead. Our brilliant betas (Mac214 and WriteOnTime) disavow any knowledge of our actions.

* * *

Chapter Four: The Plot Sickens

"You're looking fit, Mr. Cullen. What's your secret?" Bella recovered quickly from the initial shock of Father being living-impaired.

"He wants you to call him Carlisle," Mother insisted. Her cheek was starting to peel a little bit, and I wondered if Bella brought her joint sealer.

"Bella, I think Mother could use some caulking," I whispered.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure your mother could use a good cocking, but I fail to see how that's my responsibility."

I was about to clarify what I meant when Bella said, "Uh... Carlisle. Here, have some peas."

"Don't be silly, Bella. He doesn't eat peas," Mother chided gently, batting her eyelashes furiously at Father.

"Right... sorry." Bella looked a little distraught. Perhaps I should have explained she'd be meeting my father posthumously. I mean, I meant to, but after Bella and I fell asleep it just never came up.

"Emmett, fill up Father's wine glass; it's half empty."

"Okay..." Emmett furrowed his brow. "But where's all the wine going, Mother? I filled up his glass twice already."

"Esme drank the wine when we weren't looking," Alice moaned out suddenly, clutching her temples as if she was suffering from a sudden migraine.

"What?" Emmett snapped.

"What?" Alice looked confused.

"I didn't," Mother insisted, belching. She winked at the urn and then blew it a kiss.

"Didn't what?"

"Darlin'," Jasper cooed, "you're having another vision of the past."

"No, I'm not."

"Edward," Bella hissed into my ear. "Please explain the rules so I know how to act here in crazy town. Why is wine suitable for a pile of ashes but not peas?"

"I'm so sorry. We're not right in the head," I whispered shamefully, having no other explanation. "Besides, he doesn't like peas."

Bella poured herself more wine and took a huge gulp. It was her third glass, and I could tell Mother wasn't the only one getting tipsy.

Bella suddenly pressed her fingers to her temples and cried out in a spooky voice that mimicked Alice's. "Emmett was jacking off in his room earlier to a fuzzy pig."

"It wasn't a pig! I mean... no, I wasn't!" Emmett turned red and threw his napkin down on the table.

"Are you making fun of me?" Alice accused, standing up with her hands propped on her hips.

Bella took another big gulp of her wine and giggled. "Forget it, Alice. It's all in the past." And then she guffawed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Alice leaned forward like she was preparing to launch herself at Bella.

"She's just teasing you a little, honey lumps." Jasper urged his head towards Alice's breasts and lifted her blouse discreetly as he spoke.

I covered Bella's eyes.

"Well, make her stop. I don't like it!" Alice slapped Jasper's hands away and sat back down in her chair. "I'm not in the mood," she huffed, fastening her nursing bra, which Jasper had managed to unclasp.

Esme leaned over to the urn and listened intently. "Not at the table, Carlisle," she said salaciously, stroking the handle lightly. "Later."

Bella giggled and dripped a little wine down the front of her shirt. "Oh, shit and fuck and stuff," she said, trying to wipe it off with her hand.

Jasper and Alice gasped in unison and looked expectantly at Mother, awaiting her wrath, but Mother was still gazing distractedly at Father's urn.

"Bella," she blurted out unexpectedly. "Do you like nuts?"

"Um... yeah." Bella threw me a quizzical look, but I truly had no clue where Mother was going with the question. Was she going to gag Bella with peanut brittle? Was she confessing what Bella surely already knew: that we were a family of nutjobs?

"We have Rocky Road ice cream. Would you like some for dessert?"

"Oh... well, almonds aren't the kind of nuts I was thinking of-" I threw my hand over Bella's mouth in fear of what she would say next. Not everyone was as tolerant of NIMPFOs as I was. It was hard to make out, but I think I could discern something that sounded like "ballsack" and "teabag" as she mumbled through my fingers.

"Emmett, would you please bring up the ice cream from the deep freeze?"

Emmett seemed relieved to have an excuse to leave the room. He jumped up and walked away briskly, wiping perspiration from his brow as he went.

Mother also seemed over-heated from the steam rising off the hot plates of food. She dabbed at her face delicately with a linen napkin, and the makeup clinging to her face like a second skin peeled away like wallpaper.

"I think I'll use an epoxy next time," Bella mused, leaning forward to examine Mother's face. "You need some patchwork done. Wanna wait until after dinner?"

"Pardon me?" Mother looked dazed and blissfully drunk.

"You look like a snake shedding its skin, and it's kind of killing my appetite. Come here a minute." Bella jumped up before Mother could respond. "I need a gluestick," she said thoughtfully. "You know what? Never mind. Go to your happy place, Esme. I'm going to peel this shit off. It looks like it's done the job anyway. It shouldn't hurt any more than a Brazilian."

"What's a Brazilian?" Mother started to ask, but but high-pitched screams resonated throughout the room. At first, I was certain Bella had removed a nostril as she pulled the foundation clean off Mother's face in long strips, but then I noticed the yowls weren't coming from Mother at all.

Emmett rushed into the room. "She's gone! Bella's grandmother is gone!" he cried, followed by another shrill terrorized shriek.

"Gone? How could she be gone? Are you sure?" I asked incredulously.

"The chains are on the floor, and the duct tape is stuck to the table."

"Could someone have broken in?" Jasper pushed back his chair and stood up abruptly, knocking his chair to the floor. "Were the service doors left unlocked?"

"I checked them. They were all locked."

"We've got to find her. But where do we look for a dead body?" I wasn't going to get another thigh job from Bella until her gran was out of the way, so finding her was priority one.

"How about the graveyard?" Bella suggested, "Seems like a logical place for a body."

"You think someone could have stolen her body and buried her?" That would have been doing us a huge favor; Like stealing a car and then having it detailed.

"One can only hope." Bella tossed back the rest of her glass of wine and finished stripping the last piece of foundation off Mother's face.

Emmett squealed again.

"What now, Emmett?"

"Mother. Look at your skin! It's so smooth and plump!"

Mother looked at her reflection in the side of the urn as she felt her face. "Soft as a baby's bottom," she whispered reverently.

"I declare, you look as fresh as a magnolia," Jasper said admiringly.

"I do, don't I?" she said, her eyes filling up with tears. "Your father used to say I mesmerized him with my beauty. He called me his little Mesme."

"You look stunning." Bella scanned Mother's face, inspecting it closely. "That worked better than I thought it would. Now if we can just hammer a few dents out of your hair..."

"Oh, thank you, Bella. You've given my back my confidence." Mother grabbed Bella in a hug, and we all stood in stunned silence. I hadn't seen mother this happy since before Father had passed.

"What about Bella's grandmother?" Emmett asked worriedly.

"We could split up," I suggested. "Jasper and Alice can go to the graveyard. Mother and Emmett can..."

"Oh my god! Alice, quick, look into the past. What happened?" Bella screamed, grabbing her by her wrists and mashing her hands against her temples.

"What?" Alice asked dumbly. "I can't look into the past. What are you-" Her eyes suddenly glazed over. "Isaaaabeeelllaaaa Swaaaaan... I seeeeeeeeee..."

"What do you see? C'mon, freakshow, look deep. The truth is out there!"

"I seeeeeee yoooou putting on Straaawbeerrry Shoooortcaaake paantiees."

Oh, god, yes! I hoped they were fruit-scented like her necklace.

Bella waved her hand in front of Alice's face. "No, not me-Gran! Who took her?"

Alice looked confused for a moment, and then she continued."Sheeee's sleeeeeping."

"Sleeping? A euphemism for death? Or do you mean like in a bed?" Bella questioned.

"Whiiiiiiiite saaaaaatin," Alice rasped in a gravelly voice.

"White satin? Sheets? Is she in a bed with white satin sheets?" I tried to remember if Grandma Swan's bed at her home had satin sheets. "Bella and I will go check her condo."

"Whose condo?" Alice said suddenly, dropping her hands.

"The devil woman!" Bella shouted.

"Is Bella being mean again?" Alice whined to Jasper. "'Cause I..."

Emmett interrupted. "Mother and Father can team up and check the neighborhood since Mother's in no shape to drive."

"That would be nice," Esme interjected, picking up the urn by the handle and swaying a little. "Carlisle and I haven't spent much time together since we were in Mexico earlier this year."

"I'll check the zoo!" Emmett yelled out, and escaped out the back door before anyone could stop him.

* * *

I knew I hadn't fulfilled my part of the bargain yet—the part about cremating Bella's gran-but Bella looked so lovely lying back against the seat of my car, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to make a romantic move.

I reached over and put my hand on top of hers. "Bella, what would you like written on your tombstone?" I said in a low, hopefully-sexy voice.

She might have blushed a little. It was hard to tell with the color of her skin all washed out by the moonlight, making her look like a ghost. I'd never seen anything quite so alluring.

"Well, I'd really like it to represent who I am. You know, something I'd say, like - 'Shit, hell, fuck it. I kicked the bucket'."

I linked her fingers through mine and smiled. "That's very poetic. And right to the point."

"What about you?"

"Oh, I've had my headstone picked out since I was a kid," I said excitedly. "It's plain, white granite, and the inscription will say, 'Beloved father and loving husband'." I had seen one just like it at the graveyard. It was simple but classic.

"Aw! That's so sweet. You want kids?" Bella leaned over and kissed me softly on the cheek.

"Someday. I'd like to have someone to pass along the family business to, just like Father did for me."

"So, not to be indelicate, but how did Carlisle bite the bullet?"

"He was really depressed because business was down. People were just too darned healthy."

"Oh my god, Edward. Did he kill himself?"

"Not exactly. He went up to the top of a tall cliff overlooking the ocean and-"

"Oh my god. Did he jump off the cliff?"

"Not exactly. He put a rope around a thick tree trunk and then around his neck-"

"Wait, so he hung himself?"

"Not exactly. To make sure he got the job done right, he took a lethal dose of liquid morphine and held a gun to his head." I paused, waiting for Bella to jump in.

"Go on," she encouraged.

"Um, okay, so when he jumped off the cliff, he fired a shot which accidentally cut the noose and missed him altogether. And then when he hit the water, he vomited the drugs, so he was completely unscathed. Everything changed after that; it was like fate was telling him it wasn't his time yet, so he swam to shore with a renewed respect for life."

"Wow! So he was okay, then?"

"Not exactly. He slipped and fell on the rocks as he was leaving and skinned his knee. It got infected, and he died a week later."

"Oh my god, that's terrible. So then you cremated him?"

"Not exactly. We were going to bury him, but we had an intern working with us back then, this idiot Mike, who accidentally cremated him."

"How do you accidentally cremate someone?"

"He got drunk on the job and misunderstood my instructions. I'd asked him to go pick up Boston Cream donuts for the wake, and somehow he thought that meant cremate him for the wake and ship to Boston."

"How long has Carlisle been... you know... toast?" Bella asked quietly, leaning over again to kiss my cheek, I thought, but she licked my earlobe instead.

"A few years n-now," I stuttered stiffly, "but he and Mother are closer than ever."

"They love each other a lot, huh?"

"Yes. It changed Mother when he died. She hasn't been the same until tonight. Thank you for making her feel good about herself, Bella. It means a lot."

"Old family secret." Bella winked. "Gramps didn't make a killing in cosmetics for nothing."

* * *

At the condo, we checked the bed first thing, and the sheets were satin, but they weren't white. Grandma Swan was nowhere to be found, and everything was just as we had left it earlier that morning.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked, coming back into the bedroom after checking the rest of the opulent apartment. Looking down at the luxurious bed, I thought back to our passionate scuffle earlier, and my thigh flexed of its own volition. I knew what _I_ wanted to do next.

"I knew she wouldn't come here. No one returns to the scene of the crime." Bella surveyed the room with her hands on her hips, pushing out her magnificent boobies. "She's probably not dead, either. The fuckwitch."

I put my arm around her shoulders and squeezed her against my side. I was sure this day had been quite a shock to her, between her grandmother's death and meeting my family, and I wanted to comfort her. "Even if she came back to life, she probably wouldn't be in any shape to wander around."

"You don't know my gran. She lives just to spite me. I'm telling you, Sex Ed, the woman is not normal. Not not-normal in the way your family is not normal. I mean really, really not normal."

She grabbed my shirt and shook me a little, and my penis petrified like wood, distracting me. "So, um, you're telling me she's abnormal?" I asked like an idiot.

"And she smells funny," Bella added.

"You know, sometimes when people take certain medications..."

"No. Not like medication. More of a floral scent... like potpourri with an undertone of gym locker."

"Stinky perfume?"

"No. She doesn't wear perfume. Or deodorant. It's weird, because she's always got a face full of makeup."

"Well, I'm sure we'll get it figured out," I reassured her. "Alice's visions may be useless, but they are accurate."

"Hmmm," Bella replied, looking around distractedly.

"So... are you really wearing," I gulped nervously, "Strawberry Shortcake panties?"

I placed my hand on her back and walked my fingers down until I reached the waistband of her pants like she had done to me earlier.

"Yes."

"What color are they?" I broke out in a sweat in anticipation of her answer. It didn't really matter what color they were. They were panties. And they were hers. I was picturing her in them. And then out of them. A four-letter word was poised on the tip of my tongue.

"Pink. Except for the graphic in front."

Oh, forklift! "That's hot," I whispered in her ear. "Are there words written on them?" I asked breathlessly, hoping for an affirmative response.

"Yes," she answered simply. "Later," she promised, squeezing my hand and walking over to the bureau. She started opening drawers and searching through the contents.

"What are you looking for?" I adjusted myself subtly while she was turned the other way, but a sliver of pink panties peeked out as she bent over, and I was hard as a slab of marble.

"I don't know. I just know gran had secrets." She slammed one of the drawers shut and opened another, moving the clothes aside and feeling around the interior.

"Did she always live here in her castle?"

"No, she moved here after I ran away from home when I was seventeen."

I followed Bella out to the desk in the living room. She looked through it as I perused the wall of books. They had very strange titles like _Asetian Bible, Slavic Myth_, and _To Serve Man_. I tipped one of the books toward me by the spine, but before I could remove it, Bella shouted, "Shit! This drawer is locked. That must be where she hides the incriminating stuff."

I went over and tried the drawer, but she was right - it wouldn't budge. While I was rattling it to see if I could somehow get it open, Bella left the room and came back with a crowbar.

"Stand back, SEXSY!" she yelled.

"Bella, you can't destroy the desk."

"Oh, yes, I can! I'm her sole heir. All this is mine since she's dead... even if she's faking. Missing body? Saves me a few hundred dollars in cremation fees. Death certificate? Priceless!"

Bella gave the desk a whack with the crowbar, and the front face of the drawer cracked down the middle. After a couple more hits, the drawer fell out in pieces, and the contents spilled all over the floor. It was exhilarating to see her wield such power, and I wanted to bend her over the bed and bury myself inside of her like a corpse into the earth - six feet under. Well, more like six inches deep. I couldn't help myself. I suddenly found my hands wrapped around her hips, and I pressed my erection against her rump.

"Um, Edward?"

"Uh-huh?" I grunted, rutting breathlessly.

"Why are you humping me?"

"Can't help myself... motherfuck-pussy-bitch-nipple-clit-" I ground out through clenched teeth.

"Um, this really isn't the right time..."

"Bearded clam, hatchet wound, wizard sleeve, mimsy, cum dumpster..." My voice was getting louder, and I couldn't seem to stop.

"Edward, my NIMPFO is rubbing off on you."

"No, that's my cock rubbing off on you, you dirty whore," I yelled.

"Stop it right now, or I won't eff-word-number-three you," she said crossly, snapping me out of my SEXSY attack.

"Oh, god, Bella. I'm so sorry." I took a few deep breaths and tried to get control of myself.

"That's okay. It was hot. I recorded you on my phone. It's my new ringtone."

"Um, okay."

"I'm about to reach down to pick this stuff up, so look away from my ass. I don't want to trigger another episode," she cautioned wisely.

I closed my eyes, thinking of anything but Bella's firm, round bottom, until I heard the rustling of paper. When I looked, Bella was standing up, shuffling through a stack of yellowed envelopes.

"These unopened letters... they're addressed to me from my father, but they're dated five years ago," Bella said in a shocked whisper.

"Are you upset because your grandmother kept them hidden from you?"

"Not exactly. I'm freaking out because my dad died seven years ago."

"I'm sorry. That must have been a very difficult time for you. How did he pass?"

"He was an animal control officer, and someone reported a stray. While he was out looking near the woods, something horrible happened."

"Oh my god, was there an accident?"

"Not exactly. He disappeared."

"So they discovered his body later?"

"Not exactly. They found his clothes... they were shredded and covered in blood. He was presumed dead."

"What got him?" I asked, horrified. "A bear?"

"No. There were large canine paw prints... wolves."

* * *

**A/N: **Please note: This is a work of fiction. If you put below-grade waterproofing product on your face, you may not experience the same miraculous transformation as Esme. Results may vary... um, you know what? Just don't put that shit on your face. What's _your _ringtone?


	5. Das Booty

**A/N: **In the spirit of American Thanksgiving, we'd like to thank our wonderful betas Mac214 and WriteOnTime. We'd also like to thank Google Translate for keeping us amused for hours. No disrespect meant to our respective German, Jewish and Swedish ancestry by this chapter.

* * *

Chapter Five: Das Booty

"Oy, vut's going on here? You're making enough noise to vake da dead." The front door was open, and a woman with long, gray hair and a mustache peeked around the corner and spoke in a low, gruff voice.

"Who the fuck are you?" Bella asked. "And why don`t you wax that liptrocity?"

"I'm Ingrid Berty from next door," she said with a heavy accent. "Who are you, and vy are you in Eesabella's house?"

"It's my house now, Brunhilde," Bella said, waving the envelopes in her hands at her. "Her expiry date passed. She's dead."

"Mazel tov! It's about time." The elderly neighbor seemed pleased by the news and clapped her hands together gleefully as if we'd just announced we were having a baby. Of course, in order for that to happen, I'd have to eff Bella first, and I really, really wanted to eff her so badly it was all I could think about.

"Vy're you here?" she demanded, glaring at me."Vut's your story?"

"Er, I'm the undertaker." I didn't like the way she looked at me like I was something to eat, and I inched closer to Bella.

"And my boyfriend," Bella interjected possessively.

"You're burying her grandmoder and schtupping her, too? Oy vey." She waggled a long, red fingernail at me and sat down on the nearest available chair. "Your grandmother should roll over in her grave!" she added, and it sounded like a curse.

"Yeah, well, I bought the Diamond package at Cullen and Sons Mortuary Services. The fringe benefits are spectacular. Who would have thought their motto, 'Ask About our Extra Deep Burial Package', would turn out to be a double entendre?" Bella seemed to get a sick satisfaction from teasing the woman.

Ingrid took a good look at me, her eyes moving from the top of my head to my feet. "If I ver twenty years younger I'd eat you vit my Svedish meatballs ver breakvast." She laughed with a deep, phlegm-infused cough and reached over to try to pinch my butt with her claws, but I side-stepped her, hiding behind Bella.

"Back off, bitchwattle. I told you he's mine," Bella growled ferociously in a way that captured the attention of my little undertaker. Surreptitiously, I adjusted myself to avoid poking her in her backside. Now was certainly not the time to bring SEXSY back.

"Vell, der hasn't been much action around here since your grandmoder moved in. She killed ovv da entire male population vid da constant schtupping. Maybe now _I'll _finally get schtupped."

"Don't count on it," Bella warned, and I had to agree. The chance of this woman getting schtupped was about as good as the chance of her winning the Miss Sweden pageant.

"Vut do you know, little girl? Da vlesh is still villing." She patted her hair and preened a little.

"Ew. No, I mean, don't count on her actually being dead." Bella turned to me and asked, "Can we go now? I'm really tired, Edward. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I know where her body is."

"You don`t vant to know about da skeletons in her closet organizers?" Ingrid voiced dramatically, slowly inching around Bella and making her way closer to me.

I clung to Bella's side so she was between me and the crazy lady with the talons.

"Skeletons?" I stopped moving but remained poised on the balls of my feet in case I needed to escape quickly. "Like, secrets?"

"No, not secrets! Vut's wrong wid your hearing? Skeletons! Boners!" She waved her arms wildly around her head.

"Boners? Um, what?" My head hurt from the sheer stress of the situation, but that word had my mini mortician as hard as a granite headstone.

"Da human kind. Da boners." She wrapped her hand her forearm. "Like dis."

"Oh! She means bones! Wait, Gran was doing that thingy again?" Bella asked suddenly. "She said she'd stopped."

Um, what? "What thingy? Your grandmother did something with human remains?" That shouldn't have horrified me so much. Corpses were the currency of mortuary professionals such as myself, but they shouldn't be in the hands of rank amateurs.

"No. I'm testing her," Bella whispered, tickling my ear with her hot breath and turning me on even more. "She seems to know an awful lot about things that are none of her beeswax."

"Booties," the neighbor confirmed. "Vell, at least vun booty. I saw her carrying it out ov ver house in da middle ov da night."

"Booties? Oh! Bodies! Vell, maybe you should stop vatching her house," Bella mimicked, putting her hands to her temples. "I see your mustache growing into handlebars. You should waaaaaaaaaaaaax it. Off, I mean, not wax the handlebars."

"Vat is she doink? She is a screwedballs, just like her grandmoder vit the hands and da singsang chanting."

Ingrid's protruding Adam's apple was bobbing up and down, and I had a sudden sneaking suspicion I'd seen it somewhere before.

"Um, where are you from exactly?" I was curious since her accent seemed to vacillate every few minutes.

"Philly. East side," she winked.

"Seriously," Bella snorted. "Because I'm not sure if I should be heiling to you or asking for assembly instructions for my pre-fab furniture."

"Stop messing vit me!"

"Ja, mein furniture-Führer!" Bella saluted her.

"You must like da kock," she snapped at Bella.

"Excuse me, IKEA Maria?" Bella wound up to hit her, and I had to grab her arm and soothe her by rubbing her buns softly.

"Da kock! Vat? You don't like da kock in da modular kitchen?"

"I like a cock in the kitchen as much as the next girl, but I don't see …"

"Da strapping young man like dis." She pointed her large, crooked finger in my direction. "He eat big. Like da fräulein who know how da kock."

"Oh! Cook!" Bella and I said together.

"Ja! Das vat I said. Kock!" She started ranting in another language under her breath.

I'd been so distracted by the conversation topic that I'd neglected to notice she'd crept right up on me. "Vut is your name, handsome?" Her breath smelled like herring, and I almost passed out from the fumes.

"Edward," I said uneasily, shuddering with revulsion.

"Do dey call you Geschlechtsverkehr Ed?" she asked, cackling.

"Well, no. Not really." I looked over at Bella questioningly. I didn't have a clue what that meant.

"Do you tell zees vun, 'Ich liebe dich.'**" **She jerked her head toward Bella while her eyes remained on me.

"No, he doesn't tell me to leeba his dick, Pervenheimer. He's a gentleman!" Bella protested. "He holds doors for me, and he feels really guilty when he has a SEXSY attack and dry humps my ass!"

"Dry humps? You mean bangs hees bratwurst at your tuchis?"

Ingrid reached her claws out toward my junk with surprising stealth, but Bella jumped between us. "Back away from his weiner schnitzel, or I`ll das boot you in the Heineken," she yelled.

Ingrid let out a squeak and flapped her arms like a bird about to take flight and then goose-stepped out the front door. "Ausfahrt!" she shouted as she left.

"Assfart to you, too!" Bella called after her.

I sighed in relief. "I thought she`d never leave. Do you think she was telling the truth about the boners... I mean, bones? And the body."

"I wouldn't put it past Gran. She was pure evil, I tell you."

"Yeah, well, I don't trust anything that _woman _says about your gran. She's living a lie."

"Huh? What you mean? She's not really ugly as sin?"

"Nah, you can't fake that... did you notice anything odd about her?"

"Apart from the obvious? I mean, really, who wears army boots with support hose?"

"Her real name is Ingmar Berty. It all came back to me suddenly when I saw the goose-stepping. She has bad knees so she walks funny, and she... er... he taught me high school English."

"Taught you English? She can't even speak English!"

"Literature," I clarified. "Dees violet delights haf violet ends," I quoted from memory. "As I recall, we had to reassemble a bust of William Shakespeare from pre-cut wood pieces with Allen keys for our final project."

* * *

Bella's hand crept slowly up my thigh as I pulled into the cemetery parking lot beside Jasper's Jeep, biting the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from rattling off vagina words.

I cracked open the door, gasping for air and leaning away from her. Her fruity scent seemed to permeate everything, and I was pretty sure I'd never be able to eat a strawberry again without having an orgasm. The crisp air seemed to help ward off another attack. I wasn't sure if Bella would appreciate me dry-humping her tuchis again in a lust-infused frenzy.

"Hey! Why are you pulling away from me like I smell bad?" Bella frowned, sniffing her armpits.

"Bella," I chastised lightly. "You're getting me a little... titillated."

"Titillated? You're not going all 'Jasper' on me, are you? I mean, it's okay to love tits, but you have to draw the line somewhere... actually, what the hell, take a little taste."

Yes! That piqued little Edward's interest to his full capacity. I was about to close the door and dive in when a loud, muffled moan came from the Jeep.

"Shiznit," I swore. "We're not alone." The parking lot was so dark, I hadn't noticed Jasper and Alice huddled in the backseat behind slightly-fogged windows.

Suddenly Alice's voice rang out, "Jaaaaaaaaasper, you kissed another woman."

"Alice, that was two years ago before we started going out, sweet pea," Jasper replied in his faux twang.

"What was?"

"When I kissed another woman."

"You kissed another woman?"

"It was two years ago before we started going out, ma little acorn."

"Oh. Why didn't you say that in the first place?"

"I did."

"No, you didn't."

This seemed like a good time to interrupt, so I jumped out of the car and rapped on the back window with my knuckles. "Find any dead bodies?" I yelled.

After the sound of whispers and rustling clothing stopped, Jasper answered. "A whole cemetery full of them. We didn't find Bella's grandmother, though."

"Well, I'm pretty sure she's not fucking hiding in Moaning Myrtle's bra!" Bella yelled, jumping out of the car and coming around behind me.

Bella's outburst sparked my usual reaction, and I had to bite my tongue. It wouldn't be good for Bella to get me this excited. I didn't know if I could suppress another attack with her NIMPFO in high gear.

"I know," Jasper yelled back. "I surveyed that quadrant first."

"Let's go for a walk," I suggested and lead Bella away from the Jeep and through the front gates of the cemetery, guiding her down my favorite path. I couldn't wait to be alone with her again and pick up where we'd left off.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Edna!" Jasper yelled after me.

I rolled my eyes at Bella. "Just ignore him. He's not right in the head. His brain is full of shrapnel."

"Um, that's not even possible," she protested.

"Yeah, don't tell him that."

"Wow," Bella gasped as we came around a group of trees. The cemetery was obviously not what she was expecting. The graveyard was strewn with flowers like a meadow in spring; the pot lights around the plots illuminated the marble and granite graves in an almost enchanting way. Even though it was night, everything around us sparkled.

"Yeah," I agreed. "Wow. This is one of my favorite places in the world."

"It's beautiful."

"Not so beautiful," I sighed, taking a moment to appreciate her delicate beauty while she surveyed the surroundings. She was so feminine and perfect. I'd never wanted a woman with the same voracity as I wanted her. It was like she was a drug to me... better than NyQuil even.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"My feelings for you are very complex... I'm torn," I explained lamely.

"Um, okay... between what and what?"

"Wanting to respect you and wanting to eff the sugar out of you."

"Oh, Edward. You say the nicest things!" she gushed. I smiled and led her to a little strip of green flanked on two sides by large, white stone figures.

"There are some really good epitaphs here. This is one of my favorites." I stopped in front of a small headstone and read.

_Here lies the body of our Anna_  
_Done to death by a banana_  
_It wasn't the fruit that laid her low_  
_But the skin of the thing that made her go._

Bella seemed to ponder the gravity of the epitaph. I grabbed her hand and held it to my heart. "Bella, I'm here. I'm alive, and I care about you. Life is short."

"Is this your I-wanna-eff-you-now-cause-tomorrow-we-might-slip-on-a-banana-peel-and-die speech?"

"Yes."

"Do you think this is a good place to eff-word-number-three?"

"Yes," I repeated, and my penis twitched as if nodding in agreement.

"Do you know in this light, you're like one of these perfect statues, carved of marble. No wonder you spazzled that Berty person. She didn't stand a chance."

"I spazzle people? Do I spazzle you?"

"Constantly."

"What does that mean exactly - spazzle?"

"It's a cross between sparkle and dazzle with a hint of spaz. Spazzle."

"Oh, um... thanks?"

I was hoping reading romantic poetry had made her as hot and bothered as it had me, but she took me by surprise when she turned and tore violently at my shirt sleeves until they were in tatters on the ground.

"Fucking-cock-pounding-hairy-assed-clit-licker!" I was painfully aroused by her sudden attack, and the words burst out of me without my consent. "What are you... why did you just rip off my sleeves?"

"Because for as long as I've known you, I've wanted to see you in a white, sleeveless, collared shirt in a meadow full of flowers. It's hot. I think it should be a fashion trend."

"Oh, well.. uh... my biceps _are _rather developed from carrying dead bodies around."

She started to blink uncontrollably.

"Bella... your eyes. Are you all right?"

"I'm just a little blinded by the paleness of your skin. Lie down on the ground, Sex Ed."

I did as I was told, and she knelt beside me and took my hand in hers, moving it this way and that.

"What are you doing with my hand?"

"I'm examining it. I'm really into hands. Also, there's something erotic about tracing random patterns on the back of your hand."

"Oh. Okay. Don't stop. You don't know how good that feels."

She ran her fingers over my palm. "Your hands are cold."

"It's a little chilly out here."

"I know what you are!" she yelled suddenly. Oh, no. Did she figure me out so easily?

"Say it," I pleaded, sitting up to look into her chocolatey eyes, "out loud."

"Vampire."

"Oh... um, no. Not at all. Although, I do drain the blood out of bodies."

She frowned. "Oh. Really? Hm, sorry. Well, what are you then?"

"A Democrat," I confessed. "I saw you had a pink elephant picture hanging in the living room and figured you're a Republican."

"Oh. Nah, I'm not. I have no political affiliation at all. I just really love animals," she explained, biting her lip nervously. "Sex Ed, if you were an animal, what kind would you be?" She laid my arm on the ground and mounted my thigh. "A lion?" she asked breathlessly, gripping both my biceps as she bounced up and down.

"Yeah, sure. A mother-fucking ass-licking lion..." I continued to let out a string of profanities and grabbed her boobs, which were bouncing right in front of my face. I tried to move her off my thigh and onto my dick, but she was clamped down on my leg, and she was really strong.

It was a little distracting to watch her blinking so hard. I closed my eyes to protect myself. Flashing lights and blinking objects were known to cause seizures.

"Nibble on me, Edward! Pretend I'm a ewe."

"Pretend you're a me?"

"No. A ewe. A lamb. Pretend I'm a little lost lamb you've dragged back to your lair!"

"Um, okay. Could you hit me first?"

She smacked my chest, and I popped open her buttons, nibbling on her flesh while she continued to ride my leg. "Ass-fucking-vagina-cooter-pink taco-camel toe-dick hammer!"

It was a good thing I'd been doing my lunges and squats because my muscles were tiring from all the flexing, but it was worth it if my little lamb got the pleasure she deserved from my body.

"Hey, pottymouth! We're retreating and re-convening back at headquarters," Jasper yelled over at us.

The spell was broken, and Bella dropped down to the ground, clutching her blouse together.

"Go away, Jasperv! You suckle!" I yelled back at him angrily.

"Roger that, Sargeant Pooper!"

"Does he always use military vernacular?" Bella asked with a confused look on her face as she did up her buttons.

"He thinks it makes him more manly. You know, with the hair and shoulder pads and all, people don't take him seriously."

* * *

Jasper and Alice were already making out on the couch when we got back to my house, and I stood in front of Bella so she didn't have to see.

"Can't you take that shiblet elsewhere?" I complained.

"Mother and father already bunked down," Jasper informed me, coming up for air out of Alice's cleavage. "There was nobody else here."

"Where the fruit fly is Emmett?" I asked.

"He must still be at the zoo," Alice commented, adjusting her shirt to cover herself.

"For two hours? What is he... never mind."

"It's the spider monkeys. He likes to recon when they're... you know," Jasper wiped off his damp lips.

"No. And I don't _want _to know either."

"Emmett likes to waaaatch the mooonkeys grooooom each other," Alice intoned, drawing out the vowels with her fingers resting at her temples.

"Emmett's a sick fuck, isn't he?" Bella shook her head.

"Yes," I sighed. "It's hereditary, I'm afraid. There isn't a normal one of us in my whole family." I looked at Bella hesitantly. "Are you afraid?"

"Of what?"

"Me. My family. How strange we all are. Afraid if you marry me someday we might have a son as hairy as Emmett?"

"Uh. Well, no. I hadn't thought that far ahead."

"Oh." I was embarrassed because I was already worried about it. In my head, I already had a ring on Bella's finger and an apartment far, far away from my family, with a big bed in an even bigger bedroom with sound-proof walls so she could hit me and swear, and I could let loose with my stimulated expletives to my heart's content while I effed her senseless.

"Hey," Bella said, stepping up on toes to look me in the eye. "The only thing I'm afraid of is losing you. If you're waiting for me to run away screaming, it's not going to happen, okay?"

My face broke out into a wide smile, and she covered her eyes. "What?" I asked, confused.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Spazzling me," she accused, squirming a little. "It's making me really horny. Can we go to your room?"

"Yes!" I shouted and threw her over my shoulder, taking the stairs at super-human speed. Oh, god, I wanted her so badly. I wanted to bend her over my collection of coffins and eff the shiff out of her. Sure, I wanted to make love slowly too, but I was certain I could go at least three times, so there would be plenty of opportunity to experiment with positions and speeds. I didn't really have a problem with getting an erection again after ejaculating. Heck, I might've even been able to go all night, if she'd let me.

"Fuck me, Geschlechtsverkehr Ed."

"Ja, mein fuhrer," I agreed, peeling off my jacket and throwing it over one of my coffins.

"What the fuck-"

"Yeah," I groaned. "Talk dirty to me. Hit me and call me your little bitch. Paddle my ass with a tennis racket and stick your finger up-"

"The coffin..." she gasped.

"Oh, yeah. I have a collection of them. Sorry, I should have said something. I didn't want to freak-"

"No!" Bella was crying.

"What is it?"

"B-Body," she stuttered, stepping out of my embrace.

Nestled in the white satin interior of my collector's edition Primrose model 1,500, there was, indeed, a body, but it wasn't that of Bella's grandmother.

"Gran!" Bella screamed as she looked at the body of the old woman I'd never seen before.

* * *

**A/N:** ausfahrt = exit (German). Ich liebe dich = I love you (German) kock = cook (Swedish and we're not lying). Use Goggle translate from German for the meaning of 'Geschlechtsverkehr Ed'. We double dare ya!

Random point of interest: both DoMe and Flan studied Japanese. No, not all Canadians speak it. Just the cool ones! Say something sexy to us in another language in your review!


	6. Death Warmed Over

**A/N: **This chapter is _not _the fault of our amazing betas Mac214 and WriteOnTime. They are fabulous. 

**To our readers: ** You say the sweetest things in German, Spanish, French, Pig Latin (does that count?), real Latin, Swahili, Belarusian (clever!), Dutch, Czech, Irish and Italian.

* * *

Chapter Six: Death Warmed Over

"Bella, that's a body, but it's not your gran."

Bella threw herself on the woman's chest and started to sob. "Yes, it is! This _is _my gran. This is Grandma Isabella!"

I could see the opportunity for effing had passed, so I gently pried Bella off the body, taking her trembling form in my arms to soothe her. I wondered if I'd so overwhelmed her with the intensity of my desire that she was hallucinating. I could be pretty passionate, and I'd scared away more than a few women with my monstrous vocabulary.

"But I thought you hated your gran?" I asked, pulling her closer so her breasts smashed against my chest.

"I do, but _she's _not my gran!" She turned pointed at the body. "_She_ is!" Bella pulled away from me to lay her head back down on her gran's chest and then stood suddenly. "She's alive!"

"No, Bella. She's dead. And she's not..." Come to think of it, she _was _pale but had a slightly pink undertone to her skin. It was a little unusual, even for a newly-dead body.

Bella grabbed me by the shirt front and yanked me closer, which only succeeded in making me want to do unspeakable things to her in front of the fresh corpse. "Pay attention, Sex Ed. She has a heartbeat. This is my real gran. The other one is fake! I don't know how it happened, but that's how it is."

I felt the body's wrist, and, sure enough, there was a faint heartbeat. "Bella, we've got to get her to a hospital."

"I hate hospitals," she scowled. "Somehow, I always end up in the morgue."

* * *

We were in the morgue.

"See! I told you," Bella yelled at me, and I hoped she might hit me. I felt just as at home in the morgue as I did in my own bedroom, but now wasn't the time for sexual shenanigans. Bella was quite upset.

"I had no way of knowing!" Really, I didn't. Bella's grandmother was pronounced dead upon our arrival at the hospital. After waiting around for a while for them to transfer the body, I used my mortician's license to gain access to the morgue because Bella didn't want her body to disappear again. Her grandmothers weren't really the bake-cookies-and-invite-you-over-to-tea kind; they were more the psyche!-I'm-not-really-dead and now-you-see-me-now-you-don't kind.

Lo and behold, her corpse seemed to have a faint heartbeat... again. Bella's relief was palpable, even as she rolled her eyes. Sending wrongfully-pronounced-dead Swan women to the morgue seemed to be a trend in this hospital.

"Why is it taking the fucking crash team so long to get here?" she yelled while I started CPR. Morticians weren't really trained to revive the dead, although, once or twice the skill did come in handy on the job. Reviving dead bodies wasn't really good for business, though. We pretty much just knew how to bury them.

"I don't think they're often called to the basement," I explained rationally. I bent over the old woman and pressed my mouth to hers, blowing air as evenly as I could. This was not the Isabella Swan I'd hoped to lock lips with tonight. Her mouth was dry and smelled faintly of what I assumed was denture adhesive.

"Please don't be dead, Gran," Bella whimpered. "More, Edward. Faster. Don't stop!"

Those were the exact words I had longed to hear from Bella's lips, but not while I was leaning over the body of another woman.

My head reeled, both from the lack of oxygen _and_ with the mixed signals I'd been getting lately - cremate her other grandmother, save this grandmother - it was difficult to stay focused.

By the time the crash team arrived and took over for me, I was dizzy and nearly passed out on the floor.

"Edward!" Bella screamed, catching me as I stumbled. "Are you okay?"

Was I okay? My head spun a little. "Yeah," I managed. "I think I forgot to breathe."

"You're a hero, Sex Ed. You saved her life!" I wasn't really a hero; I was just a man who would do anything for the woman I loved. There! I admitted it to myself: I was in love with Bella and had been from the moment I'd seen her. Some people might doubt I could fall in love in a day, but I was pretty sure it was either love or heartburn, and I'd never had gastrointestinal issues before. Besides, she was everything I wanted and needed. When the time was right, I was ready to declare my feelings to her.

While the medical personnel worked on Grandma Swan, I took Bella over to a corner so we wouldn't be in their way. I softly massaged her breasts while I stood with my back to the others in the room so they couldn't see what I was doing. It seemed to relax her, and it certainly made _me _feel better, but I was still curious about the sudden appearance of this woman Bella claimed was her grandmother. "Bella, how did you come to have two grandmothers?"

"I don't know. I thought the other one, the dead-but-maybe-not-really one, was her, but now I think this hopefully-not-really-dead-one is," she explained as I squashed her boobs together.

"Well, that clears it up."

"She's breathing on her own, and her pulse is steady!" one of the emergency attendants said, calling over to Bella and me. I dropped my hands quickly like Bella's breasts were hot potatoes. They were more like soft, warm yams, but now was not the time to split hairs. "You did a great job. We'll take her back upstairs and have one of the doctors take a look at her."

Grandma Swan moaned, her pale lips moving slightly.

"She's trying to say something." Bella ran to her side, holding on to the metal arms of the stretcher. "What is it, Gran? What are you trying to say?"

Grandma Swan moaned again, and then her voice rang out as clear as a bell. "Wolves!"

* * *

Grandma Swan was hooked up to a variety of devices monitoring everything from her heart to her breathing. She had tubes coming out of her nose and arms. Wires were attached to her chest and she had a clip on her finger. The nurse took her blood pressure, checked her IV, and turned to leave the hospital room.

"Can we talk to her if she wakes up?" Bella asked. "I need to ask her about the wolves."

I was stunned by how politely Bella had spoken. She didn't curse or call the woman _Nurse Ratched_ or comment on her hairdo, which was not like her, given that the nurse's hair was piled up in some kind of giant Marge Simpson-like beehive formation with little plastic butterflies tucked in here and there.

"She needs to rest," the nurse answered curtly. "And reserve her energy. Maybe when she's feeling better."

I had a sudden thought as I stared at Bella's gran and connected the dots. "Wait! Bella, didn't you say your father was killed by wolves? Maybe that's what your gran was talking about."

"It could be. We should Google wolves and see what we can come up with for this area."

"You can't use your cell phone in here. It disturbs the equipment." The nurse shooed us out the door and led us to an empty waiting room down the hall.

Bella and I sat down next to each other on the couch and pulled out our cell phones to get Internet access. We exchanged numbers, programmed them in, then started searching.

I looked through a couple of sites on wolves but came up with nothing interesting, so I sent Bella a text message to cheer her up. I knew she must be worried.

_**You're so sexy when you concentrate. Your breasts quiver like 2 little muskrats looking for water.**_

Bella looked over at me and then keyed frantically into her phone. _You're so sweet. I love muskrats! Have you ever done it in a hospital?_

_**No, **_I answered.

_On a piano?_

_**No.**_

_On top of a car?_

_**No.**_

_Where have you done it?_

_**I did it in a motel room once.**_

_That's hot. On top of the vanity? On the TV?_

_**In the bed. Under the sheets.**_

_Does that work? I've never tried it that way._

_**It worked. It all turned out just fine after I remembered to take my boxers off. Where have you done it?**_

_Under the bed, beside the bed, on the headboard._

_**How did you do it on the headboard?**_

_I was sitting on it, leaning back against the wall and… I don't want to talk about my other conquests with you, Edward. Besides, you'll make me forget all the others. No one is as SEXSY as you._

_**How many have there been?**_

_42 and a half._

_**Really?**_

_No. I have no clue. _

_**Okay. Where do you want to eff word number three me?**_

_Hm. So many places. Maybe in the closet under the stairs at my apartment. I like enclosed spaces._

_**Cock clit cunt slit - ah, sorry. Go on. Where else?**_

_On top of the freezer. That way if we get overheated, we can cool off and start all over again._

_**Would you do it in the prep room with me? It's a fantasy of mine.**_

_On one of the steel tables? Or under?_

_**Oh, god. Both. **_

_At the same time?_

_**I'm an excellent multi-tasker.**_

_And you have very long legs._

_**I'm flexing my thigh right now.**_

_FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! _

_**Yes, please.**_

_Can we go now?_

_**Race you to the car?

* * *

**_

It was still dark when we arrived back home. Bella yawned and stretched in the passenger seat but didn't make a move to open the door.

"Um, I hope you're not too tired now. I just... it's been a long day, so I'll understand if you've changed your mind."

"No, I'm fine," she said quickly.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. I never say what I don't mean. Well, unless I mean to lie... then I totally do. But I mean to tell the truth right now. I don't lie to you. Not really. I suppose I could if you wanted to... if you wanted to play some sort of kinky lie-to-me games. I could say you remind me of a squirrel or something. Or I could call you 'Dilly the rodeo clown' or... um, could you shut me up?"

She didn't have to ask me twice. I grabbed her by the back of her head and pressed my mouth to hers. She gasped, parting her lips and surprising me with the some sudden, frenzied tongue action. It was hot and wet and it made me think of what it would feel like against my cock. _Oh, did I just think "cock?" _I was about to have an attack.

"Lie to me," I gasped breathlessly. Inexplicably, I started licking her jaw to keep my mouth busy.

"I have three boobs. And a hairy ass."

"Oh, yeah? Lemme see." I ducked down and ripped her blouse apart with my teeth while I slid my hands down the back of her pants and felt her silky, hairless buttocks. "Bazoombas," I gasped before I could stop myself. "Ass! Nipples! Bum! Knockers! Bubble butt! Baby feeders! Cue balls!"

"How many?" Bella moaned.

"Two that I can see. You should take your bra off, though, so I can double check."

"_You_ do it, SEXSY," she whispered before biting down on my earlobe.

I let out a string of soft expletives in her ear as I reached behind her back, unlatching her bra and releasing her full breasts. They bounced as if happy to be free. I stared down at the glorious, ripe flesh and pushed her bra out of the way.

"Strawberry-colored nipples!" I yelled in delight and kissed a succulent, fruit-colored peak, before giving the other one a little lick.

They were delicious, and I sucked, licked, and squeezed them like the ripe fruit they reminded me of. I desperately hoped for the opportunity to nestle my dick between them, but it seemed a little forward to whip it out without any warning in the car.

"See. I was lying." Bella gasped and yanked my boxers up into my butt crack in her enthusiasm. "Only two."

"Oh, Bella baby! If you had three hooters, I'd need another hand."

"If you had another hand, I know where I'd want it," she moaned, rubbing her crotch against my thigh. "Give me some leg," she pleaded, and I cupped her ass tighter, pulling her higher onto my quad. Immediately her legs clamped on, and she started bucking like a bronco.

Oh my god! She stripped the bra and blouse off, bouncing excitedly on my leg. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! Lost in the glory of her headlights, I momentarily forgot to flex.

"Make me come!" she demanded suddenly, slapping my face and getting even more excited.

"Fuck you! Okay." She could have just asked me to bite a head off a bat and I'd have agreed.

"I'm gonna ride you like a pony, you little bitch."

"Not before I ride you!" What did that even mean?

"That makes no sense," she agreed.

"Sorry... no blood in my brain. It's in my cock. Suck it." Oh, god. SEXSY or no SEXSY, it was inappropriate for me to speak to her that way. "I'm sorry," I said shamefully. "I didn't mean it."

"Really?" She stopped bouncing. "You don't want me to suck your cock?" She pouted while I did my best impression of a hypnotized chicken, staring unabashedly at her rack. "I want to. Can I?"

Motherfucking yes! "Motherfucking yes!"

She smirked and lowered her head to the crotch of my pants. I moaned, and little Edward started thumping up and down like the tail of an excited puppy. I felt her warm mouth on my navel as she kissed my stomach sweetly. It was all I could do not to push her head down and demand oral stimulation.

"I thought I said suck it, bitch! Oh, god, I'm sorry. You're not a bitch... and I never meant to... oh, god, suck it already!"

"I'm getting some mixed signals here, Sex Ed. What exactly do you want?"

"Head."

"Excellent. Shut the fuck up then."

Her fingers alone on my dick while she popped the button on my fly nearly undid me. I took a few deep breaths to steel myself as she yanked my pants down. If I looked at her boobs while she undressed me there was a chance I'd embarrass myself by blowing before she did. Squeezing my eyes shut, I raised my hips off the seat and felt her slender fingers hook under my boxers. The air on my skin was almost a relief. I opened my eyes and saw my dick bob for a moment like an inflatable clown. Bella's eyes seemed to dilate, her head nodding in rhythm with it.

"Hold still, SEXSY... oh, and try not to scream. I'm really good at this." She smiled wickedly at my stiffy, and I could feel her breath tickling my foreskin. Her tongue shot out just as the porch light flashed on and off quickly, like a Morse code signal.

"What the fuck is that?" Bella asked, coming up for air.

"Ignore it!" Not again. I was so frustrated; I did _not_ want another interruption. "That's Jasper's mother-fucking cock-blocking signal."

"For what?"

"To say it's safe to come... uh... come in, I mean. He must have seen us drive up." I pushed her head down. "Any chance you'd ignore it?" I begged pathetically. All I needed was sixty seconds of doodle love... just a quick release of tension, and I'd pay her back later. Not with money, of course, because that would be disrespectful.

"Do you really think that's a good idea with Jasper outside?" Her voice was muffled as I continued to press her head into my groin.

"Take me inside! I mean, he's inside... the house."

"Edward." She pushed me lightly, and I released her.

"Sorry," I apologized, feeling my stomach knot up with shame. "I'm sorry... that was a little too eager. I just want you so much."

"Oh, Edward. You're so sweet!" She pulled her bra and blouse back on and nuzzled into my chest while refastening the buttons. "And I want to toss your junk around too! We should wait until we're alone though."

"Of course," I agreed, smoothing her hair down and trying to remember my manners. "The car isn't the right place for a trouser kiss, either."

I looked down at my poor cock and tried to placate it, but it glared at me, narrowing its eye in accusation. It had been up and down more times today than a teeter totter without getting the satisfaction of a real ride.

_If you had any balls mine would be getting sucked off right now_, I imagined it was thinking.

_I'm sorry, Eddie Monster,_ I told it. _My family sucks, but Bella will suck better. We'll make it up to you, I promise. _

"Way too pedestrian," Bella commented, deep in thought. She seemed to miss the little tête-à-tête I was having. "What's the load restriction on the dining room table?"

I exited my side of the car quickly so I could go around and open Bella's door, because she liked it when I was a gentleman. We walked up the path and arrived at the front door just as Emmett and another man with the name of the zoo sewn onto his uniform dashed up the cement steps.

The minute we walked through the door, Jasper's eyes widened with envy at the zookeeper's quasi-military khakis. All Emmett's friend needed was a yellow hat and he'd be a dead ringer for Curious George's caretaker.

"This is Aro," Emmett said with a sly smile in his friend's direction as he introduced him. "He takes care of the monkeys at the zoo."

Emmett ran his hand up Aro's sleeve, inadvertently pulling it up and revealing a forearm, hand and knuckles covered in thick dark hair. I began to panic, expecting him to start eating nits off his body hair.

"How do we communicate with him? We don't speak gorilla," Bella whispered in my ear.

"Um, hand signals, maybe? I saw that in a movie once. Gorillas are very intelligent animals."

I spoke louder than I meant to, and Emmett was offended. "He's not a gorilla! He speaks-sometimes-and we have a lot in common."

"I'll go see if we have any bananas in the kitchen. Here, boy!" Bella shouted at Aro, pointing to the other room and rubbing her tummy. "Nummies."

"It's so very delightful to meet you all!" Aro exclaimed, having suddenly remembered to speak. "I simply cannot express... ooooohhhh... how very... unhhhhh... pleased I am!"

"Um, yeah. Me too," I said politely, raising my eyebrows at Emmett questioningly. There was something very strange about the way Aro spoke.

"Such a... oh god!... pleasure," he repeated, the expression on his face seemed to be that of a man in the throes of orgasm. "So very... ahhhhhhhh... pleased."

"Um, can I offer you a drink?" It was difficult to remember to be cordial, watching his mouth contort in inexplicable ecstasy.

"I'll have what he's having," Bella intoned.

"He's multi-orgasmic. Or more like perma-orgasmic," Emmett explained with a broad smile. "Except when he's having sex."

"Um... so he only orgasms when he's _not _having sex?" Bella seemed intrigued by this.

"That's right," Emmett said, nodding excitedly. "The monkeys really like the sounds he makes."

"Huh. How do you get him to stop?" she asked, perplexed.

"By touching his dick, I think." Emmett frowned. "We haven't really gotten that far yet."

"Oh, god. Don't touch it. This feels too good." Aro's eyes rolled back in his head. "Ohhhhhh! Mmmmmmmm!"

"And you two are... together now? Like a couple?" I asked incredulously. I mean, Aro certainly had a certain Robin Williams level of fuzzy to him, but I wasn't sure if it was enough to keep Emmett from schtupping his stuffed animal collection.

"We bought matching _Monkeys do it upside down_ t-shirts and everything." Emmett's face lit up with happiness.

"Welcome to the Cullen family," Bella said enthusiastically. "You're going to fit in just fine!"

* * *

**A/N:** Do you have a favorite t-shirt slogan? Also (this is Flan posting and DoMe doesn't know I'm going to say this), you absolutely MUST read Blame it on Rio by DoUTrustMe. It's brilliantly funny and hot!


	7. Plot Holes

**A/N: **Mac214 and WriteOnTime are the shizz. Oh, and they are awesome betas too.

You had some truly hilarious t-shirt slogans. Go back and read the comments for the last chapter if you haven't already seen them all. They were LOL-worthy.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Plot Holes

Bella was asleep against my arm, her mouth open, her long, pale neck extended as she snored softly. A little drool ran down the side of her mouth. She looked like a beautiful swan lying in my bed, all covered in white feathers.

She moaned softly and rolled away from me, erupting in a sudden sneezing fit when one of the loose feathers got snuffed up her nose.

"What the fucking crow?" Bella leaned up on one elbow and waved her hand around in the air in front of her face, which only unsettled the loose feathers more.

"What's wrong?" I asked, helping her untangle the down from her hair.

"Did we fuck a chicken last night? Why is the bed covered in feathers?"

No chicken. But I really wanted to eff a Swan. She sat up, and my eyes were drawn to the "I See Dead People" t-shirt I'd lent her to wear last night. My "Party Like a Mortician - Grab a Cold One" shirt was in the wash, or I would have let her wear that one. It was so much sexier with the headstone on it and everything.

I ducked my head down sheepishly. "Uh, no... no poultry of any kind was in the bed. I just kind of... sort of... um-"

"Spit it the hell out," Bella demanded.

"I bit a pillow... or two."

"You didn't get enough to eat at suppertime?"

"Er... no. It was more out of frustration. And I didn't want anyone to hear me yelling obscenities."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you fell asleep before we could eff. Rather than eff a chicken, I was, er, choking one." I looked down at poor Eddie Monster as I spoke. He quivered in humiliation. "But I felt like too much of a schmuck whacking off while watching you sleep."

"You were watching me sleep?"

"Yes. It's creepy, I know..."

"No. I like it," she said enthusiastically.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

"Oh. Yeah, I do that sometimes. What did I say?" she asked, sitting up and flashing me a glimpse of her pink panties.

"Well, uh, you recited a dirty limerick."

"Did I do the Nantucket one?" She cocked her head to the side.

"No, it went something like -  
There was a young fellow named Fred  
Who couldn't talk his lass into bed.  
He tried to get kissed,  
but she only got pissed.  
Lower, she said, I want head!"

"Oh, that one." She shrugged. "It's just a thing I do. I rhyme in my sleep. What time is it?"

I looked over at my coffin-shaped alarm clock. "Still early. Sorry I woke you."

"I'm not," Bella whispered, shifting over and putting her leg over mine so her crotch and bare legs wrapped around my thigh. "SEXSY, did you notice we're in a bed, and there's no one around to interrupt us?"

Eddie Monster escaped through the flap of my boxers and tapped her leg in an affirmative response. Apparently, one tap meant yes.

"Motherfucking yes!" I tucked him back away for the time being, but he tried to pop back out again and see what was going on. "I mean... yeah, I did notice that. Would you like to... I'm not sure if the headboard is to your preferred specifications; however, if you wanted, we could do it in one of the coffins."

"This headboard doesn't look that secure. And the coffins are too restrictive." She chewed on her lower lip and watched little Eddie desperately try to poke his head out of my shorts and cast his vote. I shifted on the bed and crossed my thighs to try to keep him in place, but it didn't help much. My monster emerged somewhat arrogantly now, and I had to stuff him back in by hand.

"Man-whore!" I yelled at him. "Sorry," I muttered lamely to Bella.

"Did he see his shadow and run away? Will it be an early spring?"

"I mean, I'm sorry I don't know how to be smooth, you know, like in the movies."

Bella shook her head. "Like in porn?"

"No... like in a romantic movie." I pulled her against my chest and wrapped my arms around her soft body. All sorts of sweet feelings coursed through me while we cuddled. She nestled down so she could rest her cheek against my collar bone, and I nuzzled my face into the top of her head, sighing.

_Should I tell her I'm in love with her? _ If I told her now before we effed, would she think it was just a ploy to sleep with her? Or if I waited until after would she think it was just post-coital bliss? I was torn, and little Eddie was making it very hard to think about what was best for Bella.

Bella rubbed her pink crotch on my leg, and I couldn't control myself. "I fucking love you, slut!" I blurted out. "I'm sorry. I mean, Bella. You're not a slut. You're an angel and..."

Bella put her fingers over my lips and shushed me. "I fucking love you, too, Sex Ed."

"You do?" I was so excited, even my ear lobes were erect. "Fuck me!"

She nodded. "Okay."

"I'm not just saying I love you because I want to get you naked and hammer your muff," I covered my mouth to stop my very unromantic outburst, "but can I get you naked?"

Bella lifted her arms, and I ripped the t-shirt over her head, zooming in on her bare boobies like a laser beam with both hands and lips. I slid my hands around her sides to her back and down to touch the top of her panties as I licked and sucked both her breasts. I paused for a look of approval (which she gave) as I tugged on the elastic top of her panties and then pulled them down around her knees.

"Bella!" I said with surprise, looking down between her legs. "You were hiding a pet in your panties all this time?"

"It's not a pet. It's my pussy."

"It's so... furry."

"I know. I hope a certain reverence for fur runs in your family a little bit because I refuse to wax. You can pet it if you want. Fluffy doesn't bite."

Fluffy was soft and furry and wet. It had been so long, I'd forgotten what it felt like to pet a woman's pussy. I hoped I could make it purr. My hand explored through the soft tufts of hair searching for her clit like the finding Waldo game. Bella's breath caught in her throat as I found it, and her eyes rolled back as I gave it a little flick. I hoped I was doing this right. I was pretty much just guessing.

"More," she squealed and wriggled all over my hand like it was my thigh. For a moment I was afraid she might break my finger. I sandwiched her love button between my fingers and rolled it, taking my cues from Bella's cries and gyrations as to how much pressure and speed to employ. She pressed her forehead against my shoulder and grasped my wrist, urging my fingers deeper.

"Corkscrew," I groaned inexplicably. It wasn't quite a swear word, but it was what popped into my head. I pushed my index and middle finger inside her sweet pussy, marvelling at how hot and wet she was already from just a little light petting. "Slip-n-Slide!" I cried out uncontrollably.

"What are you thinking, Sex Ed?" Bella panted in my ear.

"Slam my ham, you dirty slut..." I yelled. "And I love you," I added with a soft kiss on her delectable lips.

Bella ran her hands down the hair on my chest until she reached the waistband of my boxers. "Did you forget to take these off again?"

"Thanks for the reminder." I lifted my hips, and Bella pulled up on the elastic and then yanked them down. Eddie was happy to be free and tapped her leg again.

"You're furry too, Edward! I mean, not your dick, but... I didn't really get a good look in the car!" she exclaimed excitedly. "And you're not like Emmett. You're... perfect."

"You're perfect. I want to worship you with my tongue and lick your whore lips... I'm so sorry. I meant lick your-"

"Shhhh," Bella cooed. "Just shut up and fuck me, SEXSY. Your thigh has been fun, but, truthfully, I'd prefer your cock."

"Yes!" I groaned. "I've always wanted to fuck a NIMPFO!"

I cupped one hand on her ass, holding her just above my groin while groping in my bedside table for the three-pack of condoms I got in my stocking last Christmas from Alice. It was her way of encouraging me to come out of my shell a little more, but the package was still sealed.

"Hurry, Edward. I want you so badly," she whispered, her tongue making its way deep into my ear as I wrestled with the plastic wrapping.

"Holy crap, maybe Alice can see into the future too," I gasped as I finally opened the box and removed one of the square packages, ripping it open with my teeth.

"Why?"

"These are strawberry flavored!"

"Oooh. That's Fluffy's favorite. Look, she's drooling like you're catnip."

"I better hurry up and give her a treat then," I said excitedly, rolling the pink condom over my cock and pinching the reservoir tip.

"Lie still, SEXSY. I'm really good at this, and I don't want you to get hurt."

"Fucking hurt me, naughty mistress!" I cried as she mounted me, and Fluffy eagerly swallowed my strawberry salami. My fingers hooked around her luscious hips, and I groaned, marvelling at the feel of every inch of my dick suddenly being gripped by her. As she bore down over me, I had to fight the urge not to thrust suddenly upward - Bella had distinctly ordered me not to move.

"More cock!" she screamed.

"I have no more," I whimpered. I was already balls-deep.

"Deeper!"

"Any deeper and I'll hit your throat, slore... okay." I succumbed to my basest impulses and grabbed her waist, impaling her with my monster so hard I could feel my balls bounce against her ass every time our hips met.

"Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!" she cried rhythmically as I pounded into her. "Your pink dick is so fucking sweet. Better than strawberry ice cream or parfait. Even better than Strawberry Shortcake."

"Oh, fuck, I hope you want cream with that because I'm about to blow." I firmly believed in "ladies first," but Bella was literally fucking me senseless. I couldn't hold off any longer. I was amazed I'd lasted for four whole minutes!

"Hold on to my boobs, Edward. I'm taking you for the ride of your life! Better than the fucking _Hulk_ at Universal Studios."

"I'll never let go!" I grabbed on like they were handles and squeezed.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kanobi, you're my only hope!" I screamed... again not sure why, as she slammed down on me, meeting my upward thrusts.

"What?" Bella yelled. "Talk dirty to me, Edward. I'm so close."

"I'd fuck you even if you were my sister," I said through gritted teeth, trying to hold on.

"Um... not that dirty."

"Sorry... I'll never look at a cat the same way again. Oh, shit..."

"Pound me, Sex Ed. Pound me like a Pound Puppy. Only make it a pound pussy."

"Oh, I'll pound your pussy. I'll ram your hairball to pieces. I'm sorry..."

"That's it! Keep talking!" She slapped my cheeks and squeezed her eyes shut, bouncing up and down like a jack rabbit, with her hair flying through the air as she moved.

"Six times seven is fucking forty-two, naked in a vat of strawberry Jello..." I felt the pressure build in my scrotum beyond the boiling point just as Bella cried out the strangest sound.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" It sounded like a kettle or a cat hissing.

Fluffy clamped down around me, strangling my monster in the sweetest choke-hold I'd ever known, while Bella squeaked out that wonderful and terrible sound. I came, despite the sound of nails on a chalkboard in my ear, while wondering if the condom had the strength to withstand the force of my volcanic ejaculation.

"Oh, god," Bella keened once the kettle-cat noise ended. "Oh... so good, SEXSY."

I wrapped my arms around her lower back and squeezed her against me. "Hey," I whispered in her ear. "I thought you said Fluffy didn't bite? She just about took my head off there."

"She got a little excited," she said, licking my neck and nuzzling against me.

With a quick kiss on her nose, I gently lifted her off me and went into my bathroom to dispose of the condom.

Emmett banged on the door, shaking it on its frame, just as I was coming back into the room. "Hey, sick cats in heat! The hospital is looking for Bella," he yelled out.

"Oh shit, I turned my cell off." Bella rummaged through her clothes until she found it in the pocket of her pants. I admired her naked back and ran my hand over the soft curve of her hip as she returned the call. After a short conversation, she flipped her phone shut and kissed me hard on the lips.

"I was hoping for round two, but Grandma Swan is awake. We've got to go back to the hospital."

* * *

The nurse reminded us to keep our visit short and not over-tax Bella's grandmother. I opened the door quietly and let Bella go in the room first. She smiled, brushing her lips against my cheek as she passed.

"Gran!" Bella whispered emotionally and ran over to her side, grasping her hand gently.

"Bella?" she asked questioningly, looking up at her.

"Yes, it's me, Gran. I've missed you so much."

Gran's eyes clouded over. "Wolves," she said and made a little howling-choking sound.

"I know, Gran, you said wolves before. I don't understand what that means." Bella scrunched her face up with frustration. It was so adorable.

"With... wolves..."

"You were with wolves? Um, so by wolves, you mean, like, _real_ wolves?" Bella asked.

The old woman nodded weakly, her faded, blue eyes never leaving Bella's face, and I was surprised she could speak at all.

"Not shape-shifters or werewolves. Real wolves?" Bella pressed, and she nodded again.

"Why did you mention shape-shifters?" I wondered aloud.

"I dunno. I like the idea of young, muscled men walking around half-naked," Bella answered, looking over at me.

I frowned and was about to point out how very wrong that would be, but Bella's grandmother spoke up again.

"Your father... alive," she whispered, squeezing Bella's hand.

"My father is alive?"

Grandma Swan nodded. "Graveyard."

"My father is at the graveyard?" Bella asked with apparent confusion, but Grandma Swan just shook her head repeatedly.

"The wolves?" Bella guessed again. "Are they at the graveyard?"

She shook her head again, and I wondered if they were going to play twenty questions. "Mrs. Cope. Milly," she whispered and then closed her eyes as if the effort had exhausted her.

"Who is Milly Cope?" Bella and I looked at each other in confusion. "And why is she at the graveyard?"

When I looked back at Bella's gran, her eyes were still closed and she'd gone back to sleep, snoring softly.

Bella leaned over and kissed her forehead, and I could see the glimmer of tears in her eyes. "I love you, Gran," she whispered. "I'm so glad you're back."

* * *

By the time we pulled up into the graveyard, the morning sun was rising high in the sky. Bella had talked about nothing but childhood memories of her father the whole way here, and I had tried to be supportive by just listening. She was ecstatic at the prospect that he might actually be alive.

"It feels like we're trying to solve a mystery without enough clues," I commented with a sigh. I put the car in 'park' just outside the gates and reached for Bella's hand.

"So, we're looking for a Mrs. Cope in the graveyard with a … what? dagger? candlestick? Or is she getting it on with Colonel Mustard's lead pipe in the conservatory?" Bella linked her fingers in between mine, and I looked at the bare third finger on her left hand. Some day, hopefully soon, she'd wear my ring. I'd buy her something hideously expensive but hopefully not hideously ugly. Nothing too ostentatious, just something that screamed 'Back off! These boobies only bounce for me!'

Oh great! Now I was thinking of her bouncing boobies.

"Nipple," I said before I could stop myself.

"Interesting murder weapon choice," Bella said with raised eyebrows.

"It's how I'd like to go."

"I'll keep that in mind. But seriously, Sex Ed, how are we going to find her?"

"I don't know, let's check the headstones and see if we find anyone by that name."

I exited my door and went around to open Bella's for her. She was used to this now, and didn't balk at my gentlemanly attempts anymore. I was glad I could do these little polite things for her, given my entirely disrespectful language when I got excited.

We walked through the gates and looked over the expanse of the enclosed space.

"Isn't there some kind of directory? Like a map or something?" Bella wondered, shielding her eyes from the sun.

We went in search of the groundskeeper, whose truck we'd seen parked on a roadway just inside the gate, and found an older man I'd seen before sweeping off the front steps of one of the mausoleums.

"Uh, hi. We're looking for the grave of someone named Milly Cope? Do you know how we might find it?" Bella asked.

The man leaned on the broom and looked us over suspiciously. He focused on me, and the light of recognition went on in his eyes. "You've come around here before," he said, scratching his chin. "Got loved ones buried here?"

"No. Not really. I'm a funeral director. I'm here a lot."

He let loose with a hacking cough and then hitched up his baggy khakis by the waist band. "Millicent Cope. Why would you want to find her?"

"We were told she might be here. She's key to figuring out what happened to my grandmother."

"Milly's up to her old tricks again, is she? I haven't seen her in a while. Of course, I've been on the day shift. The graveyard shift," he cackled a little at his own joke and revealed some poorly cared-for dental work, "is tough on an old guy like me."

"You know her? She's alive?"

He leaned his broom against the building. "Come with me."

Bella and I followed him through a grove of trees to a back corner of the graveyard. When we got to an ornate stone building, he stopped and pulled out a big ring of keys. "She was buried seven years ago in a simple grave, but when she came into money she had this made."

"Wait! So she _is_ dead?" I was confused.

"No, not exactly..." He turned the lock and pulled on the heavy door. It creaked open slowly, and we all stepped just inside as our eyes adjusted to the dim interior. The man pointed to a shiny black coffin on a raised block of cement.

"It's quiet here during the day when she likes to sleep, so she comes back here sometimes. Go ahead, open it."

Bella and I looked at each other nervously.

"Go on. Just don't wake her up. She gets incredibly grumpy when she doesn't get her beauty sleep."

I was probably more used to opening coffins than Bella, so I stepped up and lifted the heavy lid carefully.

We both recognized the woman as the same one we'd transferred from the exclusive condo to our funeral home - the woman Bella had originally called her grandmother.

"It's Gran!" Bella whispered. "Not the real one, though—the fake one." She looked at me in shock and then turned to the old man. "This is Milly Cope?"

The old man nodded. "In the flesh. And bones." He cackled again, showing his yellowed teeth.

"How does she get out of here if it's locked?" It seemed like a silly question for me to ask. There were more pressing questions, like - if she were dead, how had she posed as Bella's gran? And how had she gotten out and wandered around? And why the eff did she sleep in a coffin?

"I gave her a key." He shrugged. "She was in and out a lot, and I got tired of replacing the lock."

"She was pretending to be my grandmother for all those years?" Bella search my face questioningly. "Why?"

Before I could answer, the old man spoke up. "She never had kids, and she was always poor as dirt. Your grandmother probably had everything she wanted."

"Alice said something about her sleeping. And white satin. And here she is," Bella whispered, looking down at her once more.

"Alice is always right. I guess her gift does come in handy sometimes," I agreed. "So is she dead or alive?"

The old man shrugged at my question, and I closed the lid of the coffin quietly.

"She'll come out when it gets dark if you want to come back and talk to her."

We thanked him and walked back through the graveyard toward my car. We were both deep in thought, trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together.

"Wait. Alice said my Dad was dead. I thought her visions of the past were always correct?"

"Watch out for the plot hole!" I yelled.

"What? What plot hole?"

"Bella," I huffed out, holding her back from falling into a freshly-dug grave. "You just about walked right into that open plot."

"Oh." She scrunched up her nose. "I didn't see it there."

"Yeah, well, I could see it from a mile away. And Alice didn't say he was dead. She said he passed on to the great beyond," I corrected.

"Yeah, well... doesn't that mean dead?"

"You have to understand Alice. She doesn't speak like other people."

Bella put the fingers of both hands to her temples. "Noooooooooooo shiiiiiiit, Sheeeeeeeerlock."

"'The Great Beyond' is what she calls the forest. 'Cloud Nine' is the sky. 'Blue Lagoon' is the ocean... well, you get the picture. She's a little odd."

"So, when she said my father had passed on to the great beyond..."

"She could have meant he had gone into the forest." I shrugged. "At the time I assumed she meant passed on as well, since you'd told me he was deceased. But maybe Alice meant something different entirely."

Bella reached over and hugged me. "I can't believe my father could still be alive! And my gran. I have a family, Edward. That's all I've ever wanted. And now I have you, too. And we can eff whenever the hell we want!"

Eddie Monster perked up at the end of her little speech. "Bella, I have a confession to make."

I hastily pulled out the two remaining strawberry condoms from my pocket and raised my eyebrows. "Expletive!" I yelled, too excited to actually offer a proper swear word.

"I'll race you to the car, SEXSY. I want you to expletive me doggie style. All the talk about wolves..."

* * *

**A/N: **Nope. No plot holes. This is very carefully outlined and meticulously executed. What's your favorite flavor of condom?


	8. Tales from the Cryptic

**A/N: **Mac214 and WriteonTime are still sane, even after betaing all these chapters. We're going to have to try harder. :)

* * *

Chapter Eight: Tales from the Cryptic

"It's just so big," Bella moaned. "I don't think it's going to fit back there."

"You want it bad," I grunted, "so we'll make it fit." I pushed in as far as I could, but there just wasn't enough room. It seemed to have hit a wall.

"What if we try another angle? Back up, and I'll ram it in from underneath." Bella was becoming noticeably frustrated. She really wanted it, and I'd do everything within my power to make it hers.

"Push harder, Sex Ed," she begged.

I pushed again while she grunted at the effort.

"Oh, it's no use!" she exclaimed. "It's just not made for something that size."

"Well... what if we saw it in half?" Desperate times called for desperate measures.

"But... it's solid wood!" She scrunched her face up and tapped it with her fingers.

"I know, but we'll put it back together."

"What if it's crooked after?" Bella demanded. "It's not worth the risk, Edward. I just want to sit on it one last time."

We pulled it out of the trunk and lowered it behind the car. I was still pretty sure we could get it to fit if we shaved a few inches off, but I didn't want to push the issue. We both looked down in dismay at the beautiful Victorian pew the chapel next to the cemetery had discarded near the curb.

"Maybe we should fuck on it at least?" she suggested demurely, sitting on the bench and staring up at me with wide, eff-me eyes. "You promised me doggie-style."

"We simply must eff on it, but maybe we should get it to your apartment first," I agreed. "We're right beside a church... isn't that kind of blasphemous?"

"Probably." Bella shrugged. "But if God didn't want us to fuck, she wouldn't have made you look like sex."

My stomach tightened with lust, my balls suddenly aching as Bella dipped her hand beneath the waistband of my Dockers and inside my boxers. "We could get it into the back of one of the hearses," I suggested. "We can drive back to my place and switch vehicles."

"Don't you want to do it out here?"

"What if someone sees us? I don't think it's a good idea in broad daylight." I wrapped my fingers around her wrist, but she wouldn't let go of my dick.

"You're lying," she taunted, kissing my neck while her magical fingers tugged on my shaft. "Pinocchio, your hose is growing."

I groaned, closing my eyes while her fingers continued to stroke me into submission. "Camel toe, woody woodpecker, cumbucket... I love you. Show me your pussy... arrrrrggghhh - I mean, please let me see your pussy." My knees buckled.

"If I take my pants off, I'll have to let go of your cock," she warned.

"Don't care," I muttered, pulling her up from the bench. I dropped to my knees in front of her and popped the button of her fly before biting the lead of her zipper, drawing it down. Her soft, curly hair sprung out toward my face, tickling my nose. "Holy furball, Bella! No panties." I nearly came in my pants at the sight of her soft kitty.

"I wanted to make sure you had easy access... you know, if you wanted to maybe... pet it again, or …. kiss it?" Her voice was breathless, unsure even. Didn't she know I'd kiss every inch of her? How could she doubt my devotion to her? I'd gladly worship any part of her she desired with my mouth. With a quick look around to make sure no one could see us, I pushed her pants down to her ankles and kissed the inside of her thigh while she wiggled above me as though she had to pee.

"Please, SEXSY. I want your mouth on me so badly."

"Right here?" I teased, kissing her calf and removed her pants from her feet. "Or... maybe here." I pulled her shoes off and sucked her big toe into my mouth.

"No! That's not right at all!" she yelled. "Fluffy wants you!"

"What do you want?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"I want you to kiss my Fluffy! She needs you now!" She kicked me in the chest, and I fell flat on my back. The grass cushioned the impact somewhat, and her violence further incited my voracious lust for my girl.

"Sit on my face, slore... er, I mean, my beautiful angel," I demanded, beckoning her closer.

"Oh, Edward," she moaned, joining me on the grass. I could hear the lilting organ music from the nearby church chiming out the melodious chords of "Stairway to Heaven," and even the recessional music sounded sexual. In fact, my own sexual organ pulsed in time with the rhythm of the chords. It was so romantic, making love to my angel in such close proximity to a funeral ceremony.

Bella spread her legs, kneeling down with her thighs on either side of my head so her sweet pussy was lined up with my face, and I grasped her firm butt cheeks. "Cunnilingus!"

Her pussy in my mouth kept me from yelling out obscenities after that until I came up for air a few minutes later.

"Talk dirty to me, SEXSY!" she yelled, her eyes crossed with intense pleasure.

"Mffromph frorempolsjh!"

"Yeah, that's it... Wait, what? Did you just say 'wet my whistle with your juices, sweetcheeks'?" she looked down at me and puffed her chest out a little.

I moved my mouth away from her just long enough to answer. "No, I said, 'Your pussy fur keeps getting stuck in my teeth.'" I sputtered and spit the hair out of my mouth, going right back at it.

"Oh, oh, oh, Edward. That's soooooo... you're just sooooo... spit some more, Sex Ed! Tell me how you're going to fucking floss me out of your teeth."

I spit and sputtered and licked and yelled until my beautiful angel cried out, "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

She slammed my head back against the grass as she came, and my vision blurred for a moment before I saw double. The only thing more amazing than one Bella in the throes of orgasm was two Bellas with their faces both scrunched up and teeth bared.

As I looked up into the halos of her hair, the sun shining behind her two heads, I spied something even more magical in the sky above. "Double rainbow!" I cried out. "Roy G. Biv squared! It's so beautiful!"

Tears coursed down my face as she collapsed on my chest, kissing my cheeks and telling me how much she effing loved me. Well, I effing loved her too, and the more time we spent together, the more I was sure of our future together.

The only other time I'd seen a double rainbow was when I'd hit my head on a low door frame after graduating from mortuary school, and I took it as a sign I'd made the right career choice. Seeing it again now only reinforced my belief that Bella and I were made for each other. Even our unique conditions complemented each other perfectly. SEXSY and NIMPFO went together like eye caps and mouth formers.

"A rainbow," Bella gasped looking up at the sky. "All we need is a unicorn, and this will be like a fucking fairy tale."

"Emmett has a unicorn in his bedroom - a stuffed horse with a mechanical penis affixed to its head. I could procure it for you, my darling."

"Uh, no... thanks," Bella shuddered. "That's a horse of a different color altogether."

* * *

When we arrived back home, Bella looked exhausted, clinging to my side as if she'd fall over if forced to stand on her own. I know part of it was from the emotional upheaval she'd been through... what with the revelation of her grandmother, and, possibly her father, being alive. A small part of me hoped she was also tired from the exertion of our lovemaking - tired and blissfully happy, like I was.

"I love you," I whispered in her ear. "You can always lean on me if you're not strong."

"I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on," she said with a giggle, leaving me feeling perplexed. Maybe she'd fallen asleep on her feet and had started rhyming again.

"Oh, oh, oh, fuuuuuuuuuuck."

What the eff was that? The sound was muffled, but I recognized the voice coming - and by coming, I mean _coming _- from the other room.

"What the fuck was that?" Bella yelled, suddenly standing upright.

"C'mon, Aro... let me touch it," we heard Emmett beg from the parlor. Simian. I really wished he'd keep that perverted sex play to the privacy of his room. There was an effing lady present! And my mother was probably here somewhere, too.

"Huh," Bella said curiously. "Do you think Emmett's feeding Aro his banana? I've always wanted to see lower primates mate. I bet knuckle-draggers are brutal." She tugged my hand toward the source of the effing sound. "C'mon, SEXSY. Let's see how they do it on the Discovery Channel."

"Um, I really don't think that's a good... okay." Bella was already ten steps ahead of me. I figured it wasn't worthwhile arguing with her; I'd do whatever she wanted anyway. She was my life now, and I lived to make her happy. Actually, that was sweet... I wanted to tell her what I was thinking, to let her know how very deeply I cared for her.

Bella opened the parlor door and screamed, falling to the ground in a heap.

"Bella!" I ran to her side and pulled her into my lap. "Are you okay? What happened? You are my life now!"

"Oh, oh, oh..." she moaned, sweat starting to permeate her brow as if she'd broken out into a sudden fever.

I looked into the room and saw Emmett laid out on the couch, fully clothed and groaning. Aro stood several feet away, not touching, only looking at him with a strange expression of acute concentration. "Edward," Aro greeted me with an apologetic nod. "I'm afraid Bella got swept up in the ferocity of our lovemaking."

They made love a room apart? I was well-endowed, but even I couldn't pull that off.

"Gah?" She thrashed in my arms as if suffering some sort of epileptic fit. "Ooooh, Edward."

"I do apologize, my friend. I wasn't expecting her to walk in on us, and I unleashed my powers on her before I realized what I was doing," Aro explained.

"Fluffy!" she called out, grabbing between her legs.

His powers? Oh, god, she was panting and arching her back. Did he hurt her. "I'll kill you!" I yelled, standing up and throwing myself at him.

"D-Don't!" Bella and Emmett pleaded in unison. "Soooo close. Please!"

"What the efffffuuuuck?" Oh, holy mother of shit! Pleasure suddenly shot through my groin as I hit a brick wall of sexual intensity instead of the target I had intended.

Aro raised his arms like he was conducting an orchestra, and Emmett, Bella and I writhed in ecstasy. Now, I didn't mind seeing Bella this way, but hearing my brother lying on the couch, his groans becoming increasingly louder and higher-pitched, was not something I ever cared to listen to, and I tried to block it out.

"Stop it!" I begged Aro. "Whatever it is you're doing. Stop!" As amazing as the feeling was, I only wanted to give Bella that part of me. I wanted to share moments like this with only her. Certainly not with Emmett and his hirsute boyfriend.

I fought the feeling the best I could, trying to take my mind off the tingling and aching in my groin as I inched my way over to where Bella lay on the floor, panting and moaning. I grabbed her arm and dragged her toward the door.

"Not yet, Emmett. Not yet. Wait until I tell you!" I heard Emmett moan again loudly. "Ready? Okay, now! Come, Emmett!" Aro yelled, and Emmett let out a howl that rose so high in pitch it disappeared off the discernible sound scale.

Dogs in the neighborhood were barking, and Aro suddenly started in with this own moaning and groaning. It was like being in an effing orgy, only not the orgy for two I had planned for Bella and me this evening.

"Uhhhhmmmmm, oooooohhhhh," Aro began. "I'm sorry, uhhhh, I only meant to use it on Emmett."

Emmett sat up on the couch, fully recovered, and looked at me sheepishly. "He can make people come on command. It's a gift. We thought you guys were still out."

"You two are as bad as Jasper and Alice," I said, disgusted. At least Bella and I kept our affection private. Well, except for the oral sex I'd given her on the grass between the cemetery and church earlier.

"What kind of gorilla makes people come on command for a fucking parlor trick?" Bella yelled, and I wondered if the irony escaped her that Aro had indeed performed the trick in our parlor.

"A very talented one," Emmett beamed, looking at Aro's hairy form lovingly.

"Do you think we could rent him out for parties?" Bella whispered in my ear.

* * *

We located the cemetery caretaker again just after dark. He was sitting on one of the low outbuildings, eating something disgusting-looking out of a bowl.

"We came to see the body of Mrs. Cope again," I said as we approached him.

"Not a minute too soon," he said between bites. "She should be waking up anytime, and I'd rather she saw you than me. She's a real bitch when she first gets up."

"What kind of shit are you eating?" Bella said, covering her mouth and nose. The smell coming off it was horrendous.

"Brussel sprouts, anchovies, and hot sauce. My favorite."

"I think that's what Hitler eats in Hell. Were you the cause of much genocide in a past life? Quick, where's Alice? She'll know what kind of karmic debt you've amassed to be cursed with such bad taste." Bella put her hands to her temples and said, "Baaaaaby seeeeeeeal cluuuubber." She glared at him and added, "You were a sick fuck, weren't you."

He laughed. "No, nothing interesting like that... I have no taste buds, see?" He stuck out his tongue, and, sure enough, it was smooth as a baby's bottom. "Lost them in the war."

"How the fuck do you lose your taste buds? Did somebody shoot them off or something?"

"Struck by lightning. Twice. Burned them right off." He took a huge bite of his greenish-brownish mess and smiled as he chewed. "I can eat pretty much anything. Even the smell doesn't bother me."

"Wow," Bella said. "Cremated turkey would be totally wasted on you. Dog food, on the other hand..."

"Dog food is almost as expensive as human food," he commented. "Cat food is even pricier. Nope, I raid the grocery store for the stuff nobody wants that gets marked down twice."

"Do you know what the odds are of being struck by lightning _twice_?" I asked him, trying to figure it out in my head.

"Sure do. I guess you could say I'm lucky. Unfortunately, it's not good luck."

He set his bowl down on the building and left it there while he walked us over to Mrs. Cope's private mausoleum. "Yup. Lived through two car bombs and an air raid in the Gulf but shot off my own balls accidentally with an AK47." He stepped up the stairs and turned to look at us.

Bella and I glanced at each other in shock, and then back at the caretaker. I could tell Bella was trying very hard not to look between his legs, but her eyes kept fixating there. When he reached down to find the correct key on his massive custodial keychain, even I glanced at his crotch.

"What about your penis? Did you shoot that off too?" Bella asked outright when she noticed the same lack of a bulge that I did.

"Just the tip," he said as I cringed and crossed my legs. "Can't play my own trumpet like I used to. It's missing the mouth piece, but there's still a bit of the horn," he cackled.

"Talk about going around half-cocked," I muttered to myself.

"So you're like a eunuch." Bella seemed fascinated yet repulsed by the whole thing, just like I was. "Only not a total one. You're like a... eunuch-horn?"

Eunuch-horn? "An effing unicorn!" I gasped, looking pointedly at Bella as she looked back excitedly at me. Rainbows and unicorns both in one day? Being with Bella was like living a fairy tale.

He grimaced when he inserted the key into the door and clicked it. "I never really got to use it much anyway." He shrugged. "I was a janitor for most of my life. Girls don't really go for janitors. We're not all sexy, like accountants or something."

I grabbed Bella's hand, and she snuggled into me. I grabbed her butt cheeks with one hand and pulled her tight against my body.

"Kids these days and their PDA." He shook his head, looking at us. "In my day, we used to sneak behind the altar, not do it on the pew in front of the whole congregation. Of course, I was doing it alone..."

"Wh-what?" I stuttered.

"I did it by myself..."

"No! Not that part," I grimaced. "The part about the pew. What did you say?"

"The two of you and the pew out on the sidewalk."

"W-wasn't that old pew a throw-away?" Bella's eyes went wide. She wasn't really the shy type, but I didn't think she was really much of an exhibitionist either.

"Dear me, no. That's where the seniors sit and wait for the handibus after morning bingo. The church put it there so the people inside had a good view of the road and could see the bus pull up."

"But there wasn't anybody out there today," Bella protested. "Of course, I was a little too occupied to notice, and sex with Edward is a religious experience."

"You didn't see the whole group of them watching you through the stained-glass window?" he asked, turning to me.

"Er... no. I was down on my knees, worshipping Edward's handsome face.."

"Well, I'm sure they saw you." He cackled. "Heard you, too, with all the racket you two were making. An ambulance pulled up just after you left. Someone's pacemaker apparently overheated.."

"Perverts." Bella shook her head. "What is fucking wrong with people?" I squeezed Bella's hand, and we entered the dark building just as the lid slowly rose off the top of the coffin.

Bella gasped a little as we both saw the top of a head. I tried not to show my apprehension, but this was new even to me. Usually when I closed the lid of a coffin, it stay closed permanently. Of course, I usually nailed it shut.

"Boo!" Mrs. Cope said, opening her eyes suddenly and sitting straight up.

* * *

**A/N:** BellaFlan and DoMe wish you a very happy holiday! Stay tuned for the final two chapters of Don't Fear the Reaper in the New Year. Every time you review us, our organ throbs.


	9. Matters of Grave Importance

**A/N: **Thanks to Mac214 and WriteOnTime for the beta! They can rearrange our sentences anytime.

* * *

Chapter Nine: Matters of Grave Importance

Bella and I both jumped back, and she let out a strangled little cry. "Not fucking funny, you old bat!" Bella yelled at the woman. "Wait, are you a bat? Can you turn into fog?"

Mrs. Cope just shuddered.

"Quick, SEXSY, piss on the ground to see if she can cross running water. You know Dracula couldn't."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella Lugosi. I'm not a walking cliché." Mrs. Cope yawned, stretching languidly, her joints sounding as if they could use a shot of WD-40. "Who is this?" she snapped, pointing to me. "One of your penniless musician friends? I always told you to marry an accountant, didn't I? Then again, he sure is as sexy as an accountant," she said lasciviously, eyeing my penis and licking her lips.

"An accountant! As if... and stop looking at his knob. That's fucking disgusting!" Bella yelled, nonplussed. "The Volturi are ancient history; I'm over doing the groupie thing. The man you're ogling happens to be my boyfriend, Edward." She grabbed my hand as if to punctuate her sentence with the gesture, and I squeezed back affectionately, full of awe and adoration for this passionate woman. "He works with dead bodies," she added proudly.

"Edward, huh?" Mrs. Cope said thoughtfully, her unblinking eyes still fixated on my doodle. "You are sex on legs, boy. Do they call you Copulation Ed?" She pounced vertically, as lithe as a cat, and crouched on the side of the coffin looking at me hungrily, a low growl emanating from deep in her throat.

"Well, no. Not really." I backed away from her slowly with my hand in front of my junk for protection. I'd learned my lesson after Ingrid/Ingmar Berty. Also, it was best not to run when faced with a predator. A slow, calm retreat was my best bet. I wondered if Bella would think of me as less of a man if I hid behind her. My back hit the wall of the stuffy mausoleum, and I whimpered with as much manliness as possible.

"Is this why you were never around when I came home from school? You were sleeping in a coffin somewhere?" Bella stomped forward angrily, a sexy flush rising from her neck to her hairline. Even the tips of her dainty ears turned bright red, making me want her all the more.

"Sometimes I slept in the neighbor's basement," she said with a cackle. "Or if I got lucky, in a bedroom with a nubile young buck between my thighs."

Still perched on the edge of the coffin, Mrs. Cope held up her compact dismissively and dabbed foundation on her face where some of her makeup had worn off. She was even whiter than Bella underneath, but the makeup gave her more lifelike color. I had to admit, for an older woman, she was beautiful. But there was definitely something _off _about her.

"Not always in a coffin then?" I asked curiously. Not that there was anything wrong with that, of course.

"I like coffins. They're canon, and they're pretty soundproof; good for blocking out all the voices. Those damn squirrels always keep me awake with their paranoid jabbering. Did you know squirrels are ridiculously naive? They believe every conspiracy theory they hear. They think Elvis owns the sporting goods store in Forks, Washington . . . oh, and don't get me started on the ferrets! They have a plan for total world domination. I've tried to tell them they have no hope for a political career unless they get their musk glands removed. I mean, they're cute and everything, but they stink. Damn Democrats."

I bristled at that but didn't want to further complicate the situation by starting a political debate.

"So . . . what? You're nocturnal? Also, um, what the fuck? You talk to animals?" Bella's entire body shook with anger, her voice becoming louder and higher-pitched with every word. I wrapped my arm around her to try to calm her and gently squeezed her other hand. She squeezed back so hard I wasn't sure I'd ever wield a mortician's scalpel again.

"I can communicate with animals," Mrs. Cope explained impatiently, replacing the foundation in her bag and picking at something in her teeth. Oh, merciful Zeus, what was in her teeth? I was about to ask Bella for her theories when she started stuttering and blinking uncontrollably.

"So you're . . . you're impossibly fast-and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color . . . and sometimes you speak like-like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything . . . "

"Very clever, little girl. What am I?"

"You're a..." Bella faltered.

"Say it," Mrs. Cope urged. "Out loud."

"Republican."

"Um, no." She jumped off the side of the coffin and glared haughtily. "I'm a vampire. Well, a succubus with issues, if you want to get technical about it. Specifically, I'm a nocturnal insomniac, narcoleptic, nebulaphobic immortal. A NINNI. I'm seeing someone about the nebulaphobia and narcolepsy. Every time I fall asleep, someone tries to bury me because I have no heartbeat. It's incredibly annoying."

"I knew it! You suck! Are you planning to eat us?" Bella asked her acerbically.

"If anyone is going to eat my girlfriend, it's going to be me." I jumped in front of my girl to protect her, and dropped both hands to cover my junk again as her eyes zoomed in on me.

"I'm a vegetarian!" Her voice rose several decibels, reverberating off the concrete walls of the enclosed space. Clearly, she was offended. "Unless you count manmeat." She looked at me wantonly again.

"Really? And you're nebulaphobic? What the fuck kind of vampire is afraid of fog? And why were you so interested in all those poor men at the condo complex?" Bella stepped around me and spoke belligerently. "Did you drink their blood?"

"Of course not!" Her face scrunched up in disdain. "I pumped 'em up with some Viagra so they could keep up with me. As a matter of fact, I could go for a little Oscar Mayer wiener right now."

Bella jumped in front, using her ass to cradle my salami protectively from her fake grandmother's voracious eyes. "Don't call Sex Ed's wiener little, bitch! Wait, don't you need, like, blood to survive?"

"Technology is a miraculous thing," she explained, watching as I gripped Bella by the hip to grind against her buttocks.

"Motherfucker!" I swore. "Sorry, ignore me." I let go of her and tried to think of something sobering, like Emmett writhing on the couch under his strange lover's thrall. Instantly my erection deflated. I cleared my throat and said, "Carry on."

"What does technology have to do with blood?" Bella demanded, clasping on to my thighs. The woman was a saint, putting up with my random attacks of hornball idiocy.

"Oh, everything! The Japanese have created a synthesized, dehydrated blood replacement for vampires to subsist on. Vampirism is quite common in the Far East, you know."

"So you drink this . . . what is it?"

"I just add water to the pellets that pop out of this." She pulled a _Dark Shadows _Pez dispenser out of her pocket and flipped back Barnabas' head. A red bead dropped out into her waiting palm. "It's called 'Authentic Hemaglobin'."

"You mean, like 'True Blood' from the TV-"

"No, nothing like that!" she snapped quickly, and I suddenly felt the need to whisper urgently in Bella's ear about copyright infringement and intellectual property.

"That can't be the same as drinking human blood, though. Is that why you need to sleep so much? Are you anemic?"

"I find it gives me enough stamina. There's a Red Bull concoction that always gets my juices flowing. Speaking of juices, would you care to lend me Copulation Ed for an hour?"

"Fuck you!" Bella yelled. "Copulation- er, I mean, Edward belongs to me! What we have is special."

"Please don't call me special Ed," I whispered.

"Surely, she can't be serious," Bella hissed under her breath as she continued to guard me with her body protectively.

"Please don't call me Shirley, either," I begged, feeling like less than a man. My hair grew in tight, blond ringlets until I went through puberty, and I was sensitive about being called "Shirley Temple." I'd never admitted to anyone that Emmett used to dress me up like a girl, make me tap dance, and sing _Good Ship Lollipop_ to entertain his stuffies.

"I think she was talking to me," the caretaker piped up from the corner, and I nearly fell over from the shock. I'd completely forgotten he was in the mausoleum with us. "My name's Shirley."

We all paused dramatically, waiting for him to continue, but he just lurked there silently.

"Huh. Well, that was unexpected. Anyway . . . I tried to be the kind of woman your grandmother was, but it was so tiring." Mrs. Cope sighed and fiddled with the neckline of her satin dress. "Yet somehow I had you fooled into thinking I _was_ her."

"You looked like her, but I couldn't understand why she was suddenly cold, hard, and heartless. But it's because you were cold, hard, and heartless."

"I do look like your Gran," she said, preening, "only younger and prettier, of course. Amazing what a little makeup can do, isn't it, sweetie? You should try it sometime." She reached out and pinched Bella's cheek. "You might just be tolerably pretty if you wore some."

"Oh, no. I'm not going to put up with that shit..." Bella was upset, and I could see she was winding up to whack her.

"Bella's the most beautiful woman in the world, with or without makeup," I declared, stepping between them again. We were stepping in front of one another so much Mrs. Cope's unblinking eyes were crossing.

"I was never what she wanted me to be," Bella said bitterly. "I was never good enough for her."

"Yes, well. _You _may have been a disappointment to me, but your Grandmother's money sure wasn't." Mrs. Cope smiled evilly and held up her wrist, adorned with a sparkly bracelet. "I spent the ten years before that posing as the secretary at the local high school. Only the janitor's job was worse. No offense, Shirley," she said, looking at the caretaker and his big schwack of keys that were probably compensating for something.

"None taken," he replied dismissively, and I wanted to yell at him to grow a pair . . . but, of course, I remembered all that he'd lost in the war. I felt the need to cradle my johnson gratefully in my hand, giving him a few quick, reassuring pats.

"Anyway, when I was buried and then exhumed by the forest animals this last time, I decided to live it up instead of playing it low-key. I bought myself everything I ever wanted. Too bad you wouldn't play along with my little fantasy of having a family, Bella. You were so stubborn. It's too bad you're not more doe-like."

"Whoa! Wait just a minute there," Bella gasped. "So when you said a nubile young buck between your thighs earlier, did you actually mean . . . a nubile young buck?"

"Don't be disgusting, dear. Even though animals are far easier to relate to than people, there are certain lines even I won't cross. I do adore animals, though . . . especially forest creatures. They're straightforward and pragmatic even. Oh, and extremely helpful."

Bella gasped. "Is that why those three mice used to sew god-awful frilly ball dresses for my school dances?"

"You could have been a little more grateful. James, Victoria, and Laurent worked very hard sewing each little stitch."

"You're not my fucking fairy godmother, so quit trying to put makeup on me and dress me up. I've already found my handsome prince."

Bella stood up to her and pushed her chest out, and I hoped Mrs. Cope hadn't noticed the beast I was suddenly sporting between my legs.

Mrs. Cope turned on her heel and flounced out the door right in front of us, letting out a weird yowling sound as though she were in pain. She turned around to glance back at us briefly, as if to say something in parting, but Bella didn't give her a chance.

"THEY WERE FUCKING MICE DRESSED IN FUCKING RAGS, BITCH! AND THEY MADE DRESSES OUT OF FUCKING PINK CURTAINS!" Bella followed after Mrs. Cope as she lowered to her haunches and howled again.

A large, gray wolf loped out of the forest toward us, and I held onto Bella tightly as we warily watched it approach and stop right in front of Mrs. Cope. She gently rubbed the beast's huge head, growling back and forth with it softly. The beast ducked down to the ground so she could reach its back. Holding onto the fur around its neck, she jumped up on it, and they trotted off into the darkness toward the forest next to the graveyard.

Bella watched her for a moment and then turned her nose into my shirt and sobbed, pounding her fist against my chest, which of course got me all excited again. "They were pink, Sex Ed. _Pink _with lace. I still have nightmares."

"Pink," I murmured into hair, cupping her ass in what I hoped was a soothing manner. "Like your panties? Pubic hair! Sorry . . . that sounds awful, sweetheart."

Bella's childhood trauma notwithstanding, I knew we didn't have any leads on tracking down her father except for her real Gran's clue about wolves. Our only hope was to find out where Mrs. Cope and the wolf were going by following them. I shook my head in a sad attempt to knock images of Bella's fuzzy Fluffy out of my brain and grabbed her shoulders.

"Bella, remember what your real Gran told us about your father and the wolves?" I said tenderly, prying her off me and hunching down to look into her eyes. "We need to go after them."

"But SEXSY, how do we take on a vampire and a pack of wolves?" Bella wiped her nose on my shirt, but I didn't mind. It was a gesture of intimacy, and I was glad she trusted me with her bodily fluids.

A sudden thought occurred to me. "Mrs. Cope is afraid of fog, right?"

"Uh huh." She tried to blow her nose on my shirttail, but I cringed and stopped her, reaching into my pocket to hand her the cloth surgical mask instead.

"Well, if we make some fog, we can keep her away and pursue the wolves." It was a long shot, but maybe it would work.

"But how do we get fog?"

The caretaker raised his hand. "I have a dry ice fog machine. I like to give the graveyard a little atmosphere. You know, for parties and Hallowe'en and such." He took off at a jog off toward his shed.

"Perfect!" I said, following after him.

"But what about the shitty wolf shituation?" Bella protested, looking at me with her beautiful, watery eyes.

"We'll have to jump that hurdle when we come to it, I guess." I took Bella's hand, and we caught up to the caretaker. We would need to hurry. I hoped Bella was as good at running as she was at everything else - swearing, effing . . . and, of course, personal relationships.

* * *

We followed the cries of the wolves out of the graveyard and into the conveniently-located woods. Huh. Maybe we should have thought to investigate this area earlier. It was difficult to concentrate on anything other than making whoopie now that I was getting regular hooha.

After following the sounds deep into forest, we finally broke through the darkness of the trees into a clearing, which was well-lit by the light of the moon.

"What's that?" Bella asked breathlessly, slowing her running pace to that of a light jog. "Is that a wolf-man?" She pointed to a strange form - not quite a dog - baying at the moon.

"It's only a quarter-moon," I told her wisely. "Werewolves only change during full moons." What the hell was I talking about? I wasn't an expert in lycanthropy. There's a chance I was panicking a little.

"But, look!" she protested, shooting forward before I could stop her.

"Bella, wait! It could be rabid or something." I ran with as much strength as my tired limbs could muster, pumping as I watched Bella's bouncing round bottom in front of me.

There, in the center of the clearing, was a man-a human-man-down on all fours, eating out of a doggie dish with the name 'Charlie' emblazoned across it.

"Daddy!" Bella screeched. "You're alive!" Bella's screaming and heavy breathing made me think of her down on all fours, howling out my name, and I pumped faster. "Oh my god, oh my god, I thought you were dead."

The man lifted his head and rubbed at his full beard and mustache with one of his hands. "Raooo?"

"What have they done to you?" Bella asked tearfully as she flung herself onto his back and hugged him. "You're so hairy!"

Charlie twisted around so he could see the girl on his back. "Bella! Is that you?"

The wolves started howling, and I couldn't hear what Bella and her father were saying. "Bad doggies!" Bella yelled over to them. They were prowling around nervously and whining.

Charlie let out a long, drawn out howl directed at the wolves. They slunk back quietly and continued their pacing, except for the biggest of the wolves. The russet-colored one with big, sad eyes lay down, covering his face with his paws. He started to whine as Bella chided, "Very bad doggy. No treats for you."

"Yes, it's me, Daddy." She hugged him tighter, not willing to let go.

I didn't know how long I could keep up the continuous pumping. Up and down. Up and down. It was getting painful, and I was ready to crack, but seeing Bella bent over and leaning on her father was what kept me going.

"More fog, Edward! Keep going. We've got to keep her at bay," she called over to me.

Since there wasn't any electricity in the forest, I had to operate the fog machine with a generator by hand, and my fingers were so tired and sore from pumping the lever, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to please my doodle again. Maybe Bella would make it up to me later.

"Fellatio!" I shouted, before I could cover my own mouth.

"Actually, his name is Jake, He's not a monkey," Charlie said, looking at me strangely. He stood up like a human and turned to hold Bella close to him as she slid off his back. "He's the alpha wolf. That's Sam, Paul, Embry, and Seth." He pointed to the wolves who were standing nearby. "If you can get Jake to like you, the rest will follow."

"I don't know, Dad." Bella was hesitant. "I haven't had a pet since Rosie. It seems disloyal-"

"Sure you can." Charlie let out a couple of yips, and Jake stood up and approached warily, with his head lowered. "They're not vicious or anything, unless you try to steal their food."

"Here, boy," Bella called timidly as she held out a tentative hand to Jake. He trotted over the rest of the way, and as Bella petted his head, he licked her right cheek. There was something I didn't like about Jake, but I couldn't quite place what it was.

"Ewww! Dog spit." Bella wiped off her face on the sleeve of her shirt. The potato-colored wolf panted obnoxiously.

"Maybe you shouldn't get too close . . . I think he's foaming at the mouth," I warned, but Bella cautiously scratched behind his ear as the saliva dripped onto the ground. He rolled onto his back for a belly rub with a calculating look in his wolf eyes, and I inexplicably hated him a little more.

"I don't know. He's sort of beautiful, don't you think, SEXSY? Like a coat." And then it hit me: Jake wasn't foaming; he was drooling at my Bella.

I grabbed her hand away. "Excellent. I'll skin him for you." _Potato skins. _

"Be nice," she warned, turning back to her father. "Have you been with the wolves all these years, Dad?"

"I tried to escape many times, but they always found me and brought me back. It wasn't so bad, and the hunting and fishing are quite addictive, but I've missed you so much. Did you get the letters I sent you?"

Bella sniffed a little as tears came to her eyes, and I stepped forward, letting go of the fogmaker and tightening my arm around her back.

"Mrs. Cope, fake Gran, didn't give them to me," she whimpered. "I found them in her desk yesterday."

"I'm so sorry, pumpkin. I love you." Charlie stuck out his tongue and licked Bella's left cheek, making a low grumbling sound in his throat.

Bella let go of me and clung to her father, wiping her cheek surreptitiously on his shoulder. I didn't want to interrupt their reunion, but I thought some introductions were in order. Especially since I planned to marry this man's daughter.

"I'm Edward. Bella's boyfriend." I reached out my hand, and Jake put his paw in it with a little woof as if to say hello.

"Er... not you," I shook his paw once and then let go. "Him." I pointed to Charlie.

"See how well I have him trained?" Charlie looked over at me and nodded, speaking quietly. "Nice to meet you, Edward. A word to the wise - don't eat or drink anything Mrs. Cope gives you. She'll fill you so full of erectile dysfunction antidotes, the term _petrified wood_ will have a whole new meaning-"

"Well, isn't this just precious," Mrs. Cope interrupted loudly, approaching without fear now that the fog had dissipated. "What a happy little family picture. It's too bad your real Gran is dead, dear. I had the monkeys who escaped from the zoo take her to a funeral home last night."

"She's not dead. And that was Edward's funeral . . . wait, did you say monkeys?"

"Yes, according to the monkeys, the caretaker was busy flirting with some giant ape of a man carrying a dog purse at the zoo, so they escaped. " She shrugged. "They were running wild through the forest, so I thought I'd put them to good use."

As if on cue, a brown monkey emerged from the trees and jumped onto my back.

"Come here, Cunnilingus. Fellatio, you too," Mrs. Cope called, and another monkey swung down from a low branch overhead.

"Damn that Emmett. I wondered where my purse went," Bella whispered.

"We'll get it back, sweetcheeks," I reassured her. "We should take these little guys back to zoo. Emmett's been keeping Aro so busy, he probably doesn't even know they're gone." Fellatio looked up at me expectantly. "Well, you might as hop on, too, but you'd better hold on tight, spider monkey."

Bella put her arm through her father's, and I took her other hand in mine. We turned our backs on the wolves and Mrs. Cope, heading back the way we'd come.

"Oh, by the way, the jig is up." Bella turned around suddenly. "Edward called the police on your ass before coming here. Your reign of terror is over."

Mrs. Cope didn't seem too concerned. "Old vampires never die, dear, they just find new victims to suck the life out of. It's been fun pretending to be your gran, but it's time to move on."

I grabbed the fog machine and started pumping madly again, ringlets of fog spewing out and curling around Mrs. Cope as she fell to the ground in terror, her nebulaphobia kicking into high gear.

"You're not going anywhere!" I told her.

I could hear the dogs barking in the distance and knew the police were near. The wolves gathered into a pack and trotted off into the trees, with Jake giving Bella one last forlorn look.

"Yeah," Bella chimed in. "You don't get off that easy. You're going to spend the rest of forever not-rotting in jail!"

Mrs. Cope glared up at us from her spot on the ground, eyes wide with fear. "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids."

* * *

**A/N:** All great stories end with monkeys. It's true. Just ask Edgar Allan Poe. Chapter 10 will wrap this baby up. I have acrophobia - (this is DoMe posting) a fear of heights. BellaFlan is afraid of being rich. That's why she writes FFn for free :) JK. What are afraid of?


	10. La Petite Mort

**A/N: **Many, many thanks to thnks4fish (the artist formerly known as Mac214) and WriteonTime123 for betaing and putting up with the crazy. We love them madly. This is the final chapter of Reaper.

* * *

Chapter Ten: La Petite Mort*

Even I had to admit it was a strange assortment of couples around the dinner table. I looked at our motley crew fondly, wondering if anyone would be offended if I suggested we recreate the poses from _The Last Supper_.

I was desperate for a distraction. My stomach knotted uncomfortably, my guts roiling like snakes. Even though I was with the people I loved, I was nervous about my announcement. And when my nerves flared, I tended to get inappropriate erections. It was really quite inconvenient. Eddie Monster didn't like being cooped up in the cotton insane asylum in my pants, bound and determined to break through my zipper to see what was going on.

I tried to talk to him down. _Easy there, big guy. Don't get all excited_, I begged. _Nothing to see here. _

I thought about reminding him of Shirley, the eunuch, but decided that would just be cruel. Instead, I looked around at my family. Shirley . . . er, I meant, surely a display of their perverse predilections would deflate my enthusiasm.

I watched Jasper's hand creep stealthily over Alice's shoulder, inching its way closer to her boobs. Meanwhile, Mother stared adoringly at father's urn, shamelessly fondling his handle. Emmett and Aro, oblivious to us all, played footsies under the table where Bella's father lapped up soup from his brand new bowl.

I really hoped the tablecloth kept him from getting a good view of my lower half because he might just confuse my boner with a bone and go after it, which would be worse than the time I'd accidentally called out 'motherfucker' when Bella and I had been fooling around in his house and he'd slunk through the doggie door, narrowly missing witnessing us engaging in coitus. As we'd grappled for our clothes and he covered his eyes with his paws, I'd been sure he wanted to neuter me.

Grandma Swan (the real one) knelt down to pat Charlie's head before taking her place at the head of the table. She sat stoically, politely pretending this was all a perfectly normal Christmas dinner.

Despite the fact she moved like a narcoleptic ninja, I managed to catch her spiking her glass of punch with Christmas cheer when she thought no one was looking. Furtively, she holstered her flask to her thigh, smoothing down her skirt. It was clear where Bella got her fiestiness.

Aro provided background accompaniment to the clink of plates and utensils by quietly moaning and humming while the rest of us ate contentedly.

The lights from the Christmas tree in the adjacent living room blinked merrily, highlighting the cheery decorative coffins adorning its branches and reflecting off the glass dinnerware; the table itself was spread with a sumptuous feast, including the traditional Cullen cremated turducken.

It was a really nice scene to behold; Bella's family fit with mine seamlessly; we were Cheech to their Chong.

_Eat your heart out, Norman Rockwell._

"Emmett," Bella snapped suddenly. "The dinner table is no place for Fellatio."

"He's going back to the zoo tomorrow, I swear! But he was so lonely all on his own," Emmett protested.

"What about Cunnilingus?" she accused. "Why is Fellatio acceptable at the table, but not Cunnilingus?"

"She's too messy," he complained, bringing Fellatio up to his shoulders to keep his fingers out of the jello. "She likes to throw poop."

"You know," Grandma Swan said dryly, "In my day, Cunnilingus was restricted to the bedroom . . . and there was certainly no poop involved."

"Wow, Grandma Swan, you had a monkey, too?" Emmett enthused.

"Is that what you kids are calling it these days? I've heard of spanking the monkey but never having one."

"Oh, we don't believe in spanking our monkeys," Aro interjected. "Cruelty to animals is frowned upon at the zoo."

This seemed as good a time as any to interrupt. I cleared my throat loudly and stood, clinking my glass with my spoon. "Could I get everyone's attention, please? Bella and I have an announcement to make." I paused for dramatic effect, and Fellatio took the opportunity to climb up on my back. "Go down, Fellatio."

"That's what she said," Emmett guffawed.

"Get this effin' monkey off my back!" I yelled at Emmett. He held out his arms, and Fellatio jumped into them happily.

At the sound of my voice, Charlie put his front paws . . . er, hands on the table next to Bella, and she reached over to scratch behind his ears affectionately as he listened.

All eyes focused on Bella and me. Well, actually, Grandma Swan's eyes were a little unfocused. In fact, she looked downright bleary-eyed. We'd have to make sure she didn't drive herself home in her Hummer. Last time, she'd wiped out a row of shrubs in the front yard.

"As you all know, Bella and I have grown very close over the past several weeks, and, well, I can't picture my life without her." I took her hand in mine and smiled down at her beautiful face. "Bella? Would you like to do the honors?"

"We're shacking up!" Bella blurted out excitedly.

"Shacking up?" I echoed in disbelief, setting down my glass. What was she talking about? "Um, Bella. That's not what we have to announce," I whispered. "I thought we were going to-"

"Edward's moving in with me," Bella continued, cutting me off. "Well, we've been going at it like bunnies in my apartment anyway, but now we're making it official. I cleared out Rosie's side of the closet and everything."

"Congratulations, ya'll," Jasper piped up with a wide, toothy smile.

Alice's eyes suddenly glazed over. "Belllllaaaaa Swaaaaaaaaaan. Your kitty was shorn."

"Bella doesn't have a cat, honeysuckle." Jasper rubbed her arm and then copped a quick feel of her lady lumps. It seemed to startle Alice out of her trance. "She has a dog-purse, remember?"

"Why are we talking about dogs?" Alice was confused. "Was that the announcement?"

"Actually, you were talking about cats." Emmett interjected. He had looked away guiltily at the mention of Rosie, and seemed anxious to change the subject. "Er, I mean, you mentioned something about a shaved kitten."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did, sugar," Jasper reiterated. Meanwhile, Alice clutched her temples again, quite literally swooning like a tween who'd just spotted Justin Beiber.

"Emmmetttt Culllleeeeeennnn. You met a tall, dark strangerrrr. . ."

Bella rolled her eyes. "We know, Alice. It's Aro. Old news."

At the mention of his name, Aro upped the volume. "Mmmmmhhh. Oooooooh, my cock."

"No, not cock, dear. Turducken. It's a turkey with a chicken and a duck shoved into its crevice," Grandma Swan hollered over Aro's moans of ecstasy. "I've never known anyone who enjoys meat quite that much."

"Grandmaaaa Swwwwwwaaaan. You were kidnapped by a succubus named Milly Co. . . "

Bella grabbed a bun from the basket on the table and stuffed it in Alice's mouth before she could say any more. I was surprised I was the only one who lifted my hands to applaud.

"Oh, yes. He's a real meat lover," Emmett beamed, breaking the awkward silence. "Why just the other day, and quite unexpectedly, he managed to swallow an entire summer sausage without so much as gagging."

"That's nice, dear," Mother said, before turning her attention to me. "Well, Edward. That's not quite the announcement I was expecting, but Carlisle and I are very happy for you." Mother had been very supportive of my relationship with Bella ever since her miraculous makeover. "You know I just adore your Bella."

"Uh, thanks, Mother." I sat down dejectedly and looked over at Bella as she beamed at me.

"Don't you think you should make an honest woman out of her?" Charlie growled, nipping angrily at my ankle. He pulled back into an offensive crouch, the hair on his neck and back quilling along his spine. In spite of the fact that Bella's father had been rescued, he still spent every day with the wolves. In fact, he'd taken to tying his clothes to his back leg and running around the forest naked with them. I wasn't entirely sure, but I was pretty certain he could rip my head off with his teeth.

"Carlisle and I are just so anxious to be grandparents. We won't be around forever, you know. And between Jasper's undescended testicle and Emmett's hyperfur and homosexual tendencies, Bella and you are my only hope of carrying on the proud Cullen name."

"Jaaaaasper has an undescended teeeeeeeeeesticle..."

Jasper shoved another bun in Alice's mouth.

"Hey!" Emmett protested. "Aro and I've been talking about adopting a baby from Africa."

"Really?" she asked, excitement brightening her eyes.

"Oh, yes, that's right, Mrs. Cullen. Oooooh. Mmmmmmm. There's a sweet little vervet monkey we've decided to sponsor. Hopefully, someday soon, he'll be shipped to us in a crate, so we can finally be daddies!"

I sighed and pushed my empty plate away. This hadn't gone at all the way I'd envisioned it. "Bella," I hissed over at her. "We need to talk. Now!"

"Oh, okay. Let me just fill up Charlie's dish first. Here, Daddy. Come on, boy. I saved you the turkey leg to gnaw on."

Charlie let out a little yip and dove back under the table, ripping at the meat like a ravenous, er, wolf.

I dragged Bella down the stairs by her arm as quickly as I could and into one of the prep rooms, locking the door for privacy.

She yanked herself out of my grip and turned on me. "What's your malfunction, SEXSY? Don't you want to live with me anymore?" She placed Rosie down on one of the work tables and pounded her fist into my clavicle, arousing me immediately. "You're not going to break my heart, are you?"

"Never, sweet tits!" I grabbed both of her hands in mine and kissed her fists. "Don't you remember what I asked you?"

"Yeah. You said you wanted to spend the rest of forever by my side. I thought you meant side-by-side burial plots."

"No, that's not what I was talking about." But it was a good idea and would make for a wonderful Valentines Day present!

"Well, I don't get it, Sex Ed; how're we gonna be together if we're not living in the same place?"

"Bella," I crooned. "What I meant was, of course I want you to live with me - as my wife!"

"Guh?" She stumbled backwards into the table, creating a clamor and falling onto her delicious ass.

"Marry me, NIMPFO," I pleaded, looking down at her with adoration.

"But- I- you-"

"Yes?"

"You didn't get down on your knees," she protested. I offered her my hand, pulling her back onto her feet so I could bow down on one knee before her.

"You want me on my knees?" I asked slyly, hitching up her skirt and running my hands over the backs of her thighs up to her hips. _Holy doodle! No underwear!_ "Fuck a turducken!" I shouted.

"Well, yes. I do," Bella smiled down at me, completely unaffected by my outburst. "And I'd rather you fucked a Swan."

"You do? You would?"

"I mean, I want you to ask the question properly first, though."

"Please," I whispered, nudging my head between her legs. "Can Fluffy come out to play?"

"Not that question, Edward! Now's not the time to pet Fluffy." She bit her lip nervously while I trailed my fingers around the fronts of her thighs. "Also, I kinda need to tell you something about Fluffy. She's had some, er, remodelling done. Remember the Christmas surprise I told you about earlier?" she asked nervously.

"No surprises there, angel. I know my way around Fluffy like the back of my-"

"Um . . . surprise?" Bella's voice wavered.

"What the fuzz?" I felt around my favorite crevice and was met by a shockingly bare surface. "What the eff happened down here? Fluffy's bald!" I dipped my finger inside of her lips, and she gasped a little.

"I decided to try going hairless. Some people prefer it. Have you heard of the sphynx cat?"

"You mean the rare, hairless pussy?" It was so easy to touch her without the hair getting in the way. Not that I minded, it's just sometimes I'd be so tangled up in her curlies I feared I'd have to cut my way out.

And there was that one time my watch became ensnared . . .

"Oh, god, SEXSY, when you touch me like that it makes me purr."

There was nothing I liked better than hearing Bella's little noises and high-pitched squeal when she came, but that would have to wait. I smoothed her skirt back down her thighs and took her hand in mine. "Isabella Marie Swan. I love you with all my heart. Will you spend both your life and death next to me as my wife?"

"Fuck yes," she said romantically and pulled me up into her arms. She kissed me, and our mouths clamped together like two wet suction cups with our tongues acting like squirming tentacles.

Bella jumped up and wrapped her legs around my waist; I walked her backwards until we hit the metal prep table with my hands on her firm, bare butt. I set her down gently on the edge of the cool metal, careful not to roll it away, and we both gasped for air.

"SEXSY, I don't know how you do it, but you get hotter every day." Bella panted as she undid the buttons on my shirt and kissed my chest. I yanked at my tie and pulled it over my head, tossing it over onto the counter.

"It could be the exposure to embalming fluid. It does act as a preservative."

I tried to undo the buttons on her blouse, but my hands shook with desperate need for her.

"Fuck it!" I said, tearing it open and popping buttons all over the floor to get to her sweet, berry-tipped breasts. There was still a white, lacy bra in my way, so I felt around in the back for the tabs and clasp but couldn't find them. I gave up and tried to rip that apart, too, but it was manufactured too sturdily. Had NASA engineered indestructible space-age material for boobie protection?

"It opens in the front. I thought I'd give you easier access just in case you wanted to ring my Christmas bells." Bella reached up and undid her bra in the front, and I gasped as her boobies popped out, free at last.

"Tittie fuck!" I yelled excitedly before I sucked one into my mouth and circled my tongue around the nipple. I grasped the other one in my hand and squeezed gently. I'd never get tired of the taste of Bella's sweet breasts. I rolled her nipple between my thumb and finger and then switched sides, trying to decide whether I liked the strawberry-flavored left or the raspberry-flavored right one better.

Bella moved her hands from my shoulders to my back and down, grabbing onto my belt. She followed it around to the front with the tips of her fingers just inside my pants and undid the button, sliding my zipper down, which of course made my dick pop up like an inflatable clown.

"Cock sucker!" I yelled, releasing her delicious tips and kissing her again while she pushed my pants and boxers down with her feet.

"Are these rooms soundproof, Sex Ed? My dad's just upstairs, and wolves' sense of hearing is even better than dogs." We panted like aforementioned dogs, and I had to grasp onto the table edge with both hands so it wouldn't keep rolling away as we strained to get closer to each other.

"I usually turn on the sound system while I work. It helps me concentrate on the stiffs." I tore myself away from my angel's firm thighs, waddling over with my pants around my ankles to pop in the first CD I found, turning up the volume. "Maybe that will help."

I stepped out of my clothes, leaving them on the floor. The dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye's "When a Man Loves a Woman" filled the air as we picked up where we left off. Bella wrapped her thighs back around me in a death grip, and Eddie Monster helpfully lifted her skirt out of the way all by himself and tapped politely at her entrance. "You're right, SEXSY. Stiffs are all I can think about."

"Lay back, Bella."

She lay flat and spread her legs, putting her feet up on the edge of the table and scooting forward a little. "Argh! It's fucking cold!"

"Bald eagle!" I yelled inexplicably, getting a close-up view of bare pussy. "I'm sorry, my lamb. I'd have heated it in the crematorium for a moment if I'd known we were going to end up down here." I picked up my shirt and tucked it under her back.

Lifting one of her feet onto my shoulder, I slowly ran my lips up the soft inside of her knee to her thigh, kissing and licking along the way to warm her. Her thigh trembled as I worked my way up to her soft, newly-bare lips and kissed her tenderly. She moaned when I added both my tongue and fingers. I felt her hot, wet juices coat my tongue as I twirled it over her most sensitive spot.

"Don't stop, SEXSY! Don't STOP!" she gasped, tugging at my hair.

The table started to roll away with Bella on top so I had to keep inching further and further forward. Finally, I gripped the underside, pulling it back to me. I let my fingers and tongue do the walking through the wonderland of Bella's bald pussy, exploring, until she gasped out her unique Bella-cry that shattered some glass eyeballs on the counter with a loud pop.

I knew she was ready to be re-introduced to Eddie Monster, who happily hopped up and down in excitement, but the table rolled away again.

"Can't you put the brakes on this thing?" Bella asked breathlessly, scooting back up to the edge of the table again.

"Hold that thought. I have an idea." I helped remove her skirt so she was completely and gloriously naked just like me. Then I grabbed a long hose of new embalming tubing from the cupboard. Tearing it out of its packaging, I strapped Bella down to the table by winding it around her torso around the table twice, tying a knot over her stomach but leaving her arms and legs free. "How's that? Not too tight, is it?"

"No. You're not trying to mummify me are you, Sex Ed?"

"No, that would require hundreds of yards of linen and special oils..."

"What I meant was . . . do you have a condom? I'm not ready to be a mummy quite yet."

"Oh! Of course!" I'd almost forgotten in my excitement. Wiggling my ass in the air in just the way she liked, I bent over to retrieve from my fallen pants the foil packet along with a little something extra . . . my hand gripped my dick like an excited spider monkey as I carefully rolled the condom over it, pinching the air out of the reservoir tip.

"Is this your little fantasy, Edward?" she asked in a sultry voice as she watched me stroke myself a few times. "Sex on wheels?"

"Well, yes. Except we're missing one thing."

"What's that?"

I opened my palm, showing off a sparkling diamond ring which I held up so she could see under the light.

"Oh, Edward. It's lovely!"

"May I?" I asked, taking her left hand. "I mean, I was going to give it to you in front of my family tonight, but I think I'd rather give it to you here."

"Um, that might be one of my hard limits . . ."

"Oh! No, I mean, I'd wanted to give you the ring in front of my family. Not my throbbing manhood. I've changed my mind though. May I give you both right now?"

"Fuck yes. Both!" She always knew the right thing to say. It was one of the things I loved most about her.

She held out her finger, and I slipped the ring on up to her knuckle. It was a little tight, but I pushed it gently - it slid right on. I followed up by slipping her on me. She was a little tight, but I pushed it gently, and it slid right in. The only thing better than a naked Bella was a naked Bella wearing my ring. And wearing me, of course.

Eddie Monster was ecstatic at being wrapped up in Bella's pussy. Bald or not, it was just as sweet and hot as always.

Bella's ring flashed in the light as I gripped the edge of the table and repeatedly pulled it and not-so-Fluffy-anymore toward me, sinking deep inside with each thrust.

"Harder, Edward. Faster!" Bella pleaded, holding up and admiring her engagement ring as I pumped in and out of her.

She kicked me hard in the shoulder which only made me more excited, and we came together using equally strident voices to express our mutual fulfillment.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Mother-fucking-shit-hell-cooter-jizz!"

I would never tire of hearing Bella's enthusiasm for our lovemaking, and I planned to make love to her for a very long time. I didn't know what life held for us after marriage, but I knew Bella and I would still be joined by love long after our bodies were too old and tired to make a physical connection.

Unicorns and rainbows were great, but a lifetime with Isabella Swan was my kind of perfection.

"Oh, Edward," Bella groaned, arching off the table while we came down from our orgasm, still attached. "I fucking love a happy ending."

* * *

***_La petite mort_**, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.

**A/N:** Apologies for being fail on review replies for the last few chapters. Life threw us each a few wicked curve balls. We both read every review and made some new friends over twitter in the process of writing this fic. We love you all for sharing our off-the-wall sense of humour (Canadian spelling. Ha!). We had more fun writing this than we could ever express - hours of laughing, singing, and talking all percolating down into 10 chapters of insanity.  
Please check out our current writing projects at DoUTrustMe and BellaFlan (respectively) on FFn. We hope to collab on another fic in the future.

Thanks for reading! DoMe and Flanny


	11. Outtake  Furbidden Love

**A/N - BellaFlan and DoUTrustMe wrote this bit of ridiculousness to celebrate Mac214's birthday. Happy Birthday! We lubs you hard. Thanks to WriteonTime for beta'ing this atrocity. Aro/Emmett outtake of Reaper! (No turkeys were harmed in the writing of this.)**

Sweat trickled down through my chest hair; my skin felt overheated, and not just because I could see Aro's turkey tail bobbing up and down flirtatiously where he waddled in front of me through the open arch of the monkey enclosure.

With a hot, hairy man in a turkey costume at my side and gorilla statues surrounding us, I was one happy sexual deviant.

Aro scratched the head of one of the statues affectionately before swinging the gate closed and locking it.

"This costume is too binding," I complained, unzipping the front of the panda suit in an attempt to cool down. "I'm thinking of just going with the head when we go next year's Furbidden Love Convention."

"Mmmmmm. I like the head, but what about the costumes? That's half the fun."

"No, the head of the costume, perv."

We reached the heavy metal door for Aro's office with the official-looking gold plaque that read "Aro Smith, Director of Simian Affairs". I always wondered if the thick metal was for his protection somehow. _Are they afraid the monkeys will escape and attack him?_ I wondered, as an image of Charlton Heston screaming about damn, dirty apes popped into my head.

Aro inserted his key, groaning orgasmically as he turned the knob and opened the door to his messy office-slash-living area. Papers and cardboard cups littered the space, and it was impossible to walk without crunching on something. Huh. Guess the cleaners weren't doing their job. I wondered what happened to that strange superintendent dude who worked there . . . I couldn't remember his name.

"At least you got to be a bear. I'm poultry. I think I'm molting." Aro didn't sound pleased as he sloughed loose feathers off of his rump. Actually, that wasn't true because he always sounded pleased. "Ohhhhhhhh," he moaned, his caruncle and snood vibrating. "What's a male turkey called again?"

"Maybe I should have dressed as a duck," I mused, watching the feathers drift gently to the floor and blend into the filth on the speckled carpet. There were brown stains in one corner, and I wondered if Cunnilingus had been doing her thing over there. "We could have recreated the Christmas Turducken when I stuffed you with my-"

"Cock. Are male turkeys called cocks or are those chickens?"

"Dude, I don't know, but I definitely prefer cocks to chicks."

"For that, I'm grateful," Aro said fondly as I fumbled with my costume. A section of my abundant chest hair caught on the zipper, and I squeaked out an unmanly yelp of pain. "It's caught."

"Thumper?" Aro gasped.

"No, not my dick, my zipper." It wouldn't budge. "Dude, I think we need lube."

"Oh, god, lube. Mmmmm, oh, oh, ohhhhhh!"

"Focus!" I grabbed Aro's cock to get his mind out of his pants. "Hold the suit steady while I try to untangle my man-fuzz."

"What about the lube?"

"Shit, I think we need Fellatio."

"Well," Aro said, dropping to his knees and pulling me forward aggressively. "If you think it'll help."

"Ow! No, the monkey. When he was living with us, I trained him to fetch lube. Please don't ask why." It wasn't as bad as it sounded. I had him sneak into Edward's room and replace his hair gel with it. That was the real reason I'd dubbed him "Sex-hair."

"Fellatio's down in the habitat with Frank, Cunnilingus, and Sodomy."

"That's a strange name."

"Frank? Yeah, I thought so too. Not my doing. I wanted to name him Ballsack."

I held my breath and jerked down the zipper, but I only succeeded in yanking off the metal foot. "Damn!"

"How are we going to get you out of that hairy prison? Do you want me to get the pliers?"

"You know I'm afraid of anything that resembles tweezers." I shuddered at the thought.

Aro looked longingly at my trapped dick as it strained against the suit and pointed at him like a trained seal. "How are we going to get it off?" he asked.

"The usual way." I shrugged. "But let's figure out a way to get me out of the costume first, okay?"

"Scissors are out of the question too. Too risky." Standing up to his full height, he raised his voice and called out. "Shirley, there must be a way!"

"Dude. Did you just call me Shirley?"

"No, I was yelling for the superintendent. Remember Shirley? He's only here part-time as a second job, but he has all sorts of useful gadgets like fogmakers and casket winches. Surely he knows how to get you out."

"Surely," I agreed.

"Shirley!" Aro called.

"There's something strange about that guy," I commented. "Do you ever get the feeling he's one nut short of a fruitcake?"

Aro stifled an uncomfortable laugh. "He's _two _nuts short of a fruitcake."

"Wait, what? The dude is missing his balls?"

"And half his pecker."

"That explains why he can't get the cleaning crew to actually do any work around here." I attacked the front of the costume again, and managed to lower the head of the zipper an inch or so. The exertion didn't help my whole sweaty situation any, and I could feel rivulets of moisture streaming down my back hair.

"Mmmmmm. You'll never get your deposit back if you rip it," Aro commented.

I looked down to hide my embarrassment. "Er... I bought this one. And the Sasquatch. And the grizzly. The gorilla costume I wore last time was the only one I rented."

"Ooooohhhhhhhh. The Sasquatch was my favorite," he said over his shoulder as he went out into the hall. "Shirley!"

"I remember. That's why it's still at the cleaners."

With one last vicious tug, I managed to rip the zipper teeth apart and peel the top of the costume down to my waist. I breathed in a huge sigh of relief and rubbed my chest where precious hairs had been plucked out and were attached to the broken zipper.

Aro peeked his head around the door just as I lowered the costume to my hips. "Don't panic, my monkey man; we'll have you out of that hairy coat in no time."

"Uh . . . Aro? This is _my_ hairy coat. The costume's off."

"Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhh," Aro said admiringly. "Did you get exponentially fuzzier?"

"Possibly. It's getting colder and my winter coat is starting to come in."

"It's so lustrous." Aro sighed dreamily and a wave of pleasure shot straight through my groin, tightening my balls. "I want to make you squeal like an otter."

"Do otters squeal?" I asked breathlessly, lowering my costume to the floor and kicking it off into a pile of zoo pamphlets.

"They do when they're making love to other otters."

"That's hot. "

"Yes. We're all just animals underneath our fuzz."

"I knew there was a reason I'm dating a zoologist." I nodded, and my cock bobbed in agreement as I unleashed it from my shorts.

"Take off your turkey costume. Except for the tail," I directed breathlessly. "And the beak. I want to admire your snood."

"No. That's my hard limit."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers."

"I know, my fuzzy wuzzy. I just wish the costume shop wasn't out of mammal costumes. A polar bear to your panda would have been perfect."

"Next time I'll be the poultry if you want," I offered. "The strutting peacock costume is right up my alley." I petted my own strutting peacock in preparation as I watched Aro de-fowl in preparation for our tryst.

I mentally prepared myself, but it still hit me like a battering ram, and I fell back onto the desk, writhing in ecstasy.

"Don't . . . stop," I managed to squeeze out between pants and if I wasn't already naked, my dick, too, would be squeezing out of my pants. "Don't stop!" I repeated with a loud moan.

"Emmett, you have to be quiet. It upsets the animals, remember?"

"I can't it's . . . just so . . . I don't know how you do it but . . ."

"Did someone call me?"

I slithered off the desk and hid behind it before Shirley could see Thumper in his natural habitat. Luckily, Aro's broad shoulders blocked his line of vision to the desk.

"Ooohh. Ummmm. Yes, that was me," Aro admitted smoothly. "I was just wondering when you were going to get someone to clean my office."

"Chicken."

"What?"

"Are you a chicken?"

"No. A turkey."

"Oh. The snood is similar so it's hard to tell."

"Oh . . . I meant to remove that. What about my office?"

Aro could be such a force of nature when he wanted to be, and my heart puffed up with pride.

"Well, It was supposed to be cleaned last week."

"That's what you said last week. And the week before."

Shirley didn't seem the least bit perturbed. "I'll make you a deal," he said, picking up what looked like a sardine covered in brussels sprouts and stuffing it in his mouth. "I, er, noticed the costumes-"

Grabbing my shorts and popping Thumper back into his cage, I crawled out around the side of the desk. "Hey!" I protested. "I'm not wearing one anymore."

"Oh. I thought you'd changed from a panda to a black bear. The thing is . . . you see, things don't exactly work very well for me anymore, er, downstairs."

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently, not wanting to let him know Aro revealed his secret.

"Well, let's just say if I was the turkey in the room, I'd only be half-cocked." He shifted his feet awkwardly, staring pointedly at the floor. "Could I join you fellas?"

"We don't do threesomes with half-dicked men named Shirley," Aro said quickly.

"No, I don't want to join you in your sexual shenanigans. I meant, well, I've always found fowl rather winsome. Could I be the chicken next time Furbidden Love is in town? I'm dying to go to one of those shindigs, but a little shy to attend by my lonesome."

"You're one of us?" I gasped in excitement.

"A freak? Noooo. I'm just a furry."

**A/N - Happy Birthday, Mac! You are the snood to our caruncle.**


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